how do I give up my anger

I have been told by the premier adoption attachment therapist in New Jersey that I have to give up my anger towards CC in order to move forward.  She didn't tell me how to do that though.  I must come across as a raging bitch but I am really not.  I think more than angry I am just bored and tired of trying to build a relationship and make a connection to someone who can't give me much back, and what she does give me back seems to be so superficial.  I wish I could just be satisfied that I am doing the best that I can and it's pretty good.  Most of my my anger is directed at myself for not feeling good enough.  I am not affectionate enough, I am not trying hard enough, I don't know the right things to say.  I feel so inadequate as a mother to damaged children, and yet if when we don't have a placement I don't feel like I am doing enough.  If I could get over second guessing myself and make the  most of each day, each experience, each child, and know that I am doing the best that I can (which I am.  It might not be right all of the time but it is definitely the best that I can), I would be able to find peace with all of this.

like riding a bike

You know when you are riding a bike somewhere flat and you think it's going to be easy but then you realize that you never get a break?  You are just peddling and peddling. There are no highs or lows, just a baseline effort all of the time.  That is what parenting C.C. is like.  Whereas, parenting other trauma adopted children seems like it is more like mountain biking.  Going up the hill is really hard , and sometimes you have to walk, but you also get a surge of adrenaline which feels good and when you get to the top you feel good about what you did and there are good parts like going down the hill.  It feels like we are always at a baseline and never get the good stuff.  It's not bad, just fine.  But fine isn't even good.  

"The Fosters"

One thing I really like about "The Fosters" is that the parents aren't touchy feely with the foster kids which I think is realistic. That is something I struggle with, being physically affectionate with my older foster kids.  It doesn't come naturally to me and I feel like they need that physical affection but it feels awkward for me to give it.  We do a nightly hug but other than that there isn't much.  I wish it could be different.

Trying the blogging thing again.

I am going to try to blog again.  Totally for myself, with the hope that maybe I can become a part of a community.  I am hoping that by getting things out through writing maybe I won't be so angry at the children.  My anger is ridiculous.  I know these kids are traumatized by moves, by feeling like they haven't been taken care of, etc.  But Casey's (14, will be adopted next month) mild reactive attachment disorder behaviors still trigger my anger.  She sabotaged her cross country race.  She is really good but purposefully "helped" two girls who were having trouble so that she wouldn't get a good time in the race.  She knows that her doing her best is important to me so she doesn't do her best.  When she does that in school I can consequence it but I can't really consequence  her helping her teammates, even though she doesn't think about others and only did it so that she would have an excuse not to run.  In the  moment I wish I could think, "she is doing this because she is afraid of success, she is afraid of failure and she is afraid of people caring about her."  But she desperately seeks out people to care about her, teachers, guidance counselors, the school nurse.  But when we care she pushes us away????  How can you be afraid of success and failure?  I think if I believed these things more I would be more likely to remember them.

Just getting back to it

I am thinking of beginning to blog again, mostly as a way to express frustration in a healthy way, kind of like a journal.  I don't think that I will actually write in a journal but I might do this.

Currently we have WJ - 8 year old girl
LEM - her 15 month old sister
CC - preadoptive teen
MLS - 5 year old bio son of partner
JCR - 3 year old bio son of partner 2

Teen drives us crazy but compared to what most people deal with is probably a walk in the park.  She is obsessed with her phone, boys and socializing on the weekends.  We just want her to be content at home.  Probably unrealistic.

Don't want to forget

When I gave birth to JC I didn't want to forget anything so I wrote it all down that same night.  That's how I feel about CC now that we are committing to adopting her.  I don't want to forget anything about that first day with her.  I remember that she had a ton of little bags that we had to carry up to the third floor.  I was super nervous because we had never had a child that old before, and I was worried I wouldn't know what to say to her or how to connect with her.  I also felt pretty at ease with her as soon as we had our first interaction.  I could just tell that she wasn't going to stand over me with a knife while I was sleeping or purposefully break something.  As her caseworker was walking out the door he said, "Oh yeah, tomorrow is her 13th birthday."  Even then I didn't panic.  I knew we could pull it off.  And it's funny because if you ask her now why she liked us she says, "because they let me go out with my friends on my birthday."  We didn't throw her a party or buy her a bunch of gifts (we did get her a present but she didn't open it until she got back from her friends at 11 pm).  She just wanted to be a regular kid with her friends and we let her do that.  Ultimately nothing really sticks out from her first three days with us.

It was only a respite placement.  They had called me about two weeks before and asked me to take CC as a long term placement until she was adopted by another family.  I can't remember why I said we couldn't but I think ultimately we just didn't feel comfortable with that age group.  Then they called me on her last day of school and asked for us to take her as a respite placement and we said yes.  We were going on a vacation to Maine and staying in a tiny cabin and we just didn't feel like we could take along a kid who didn't even know.  In retrospect we should have taken her but we just didn't know what she would be like.

So the day that I met my daughter was pretty uneventful.  What I will never forget is the day that she left us.  She looked so sad when she was getting in the car and I knew she didn't want to leave.  I knew in my heart that she was supposed to stay with us forever and I didn't know what to do to  make that happen. We became facebook friends and there was a chance she could come back  but it didn't work out because we were going to be gone again in July and she couldn't come with us because she was supposed to be bonding with her adoptive family during that time.  I couldn't believe when I got the call in August that she needed a home, today!  We had just taken a baby and were having a hard time with the nine year old placement that we already, had but I knew we had to take her.  Kristin's first questions was, "What did she do to get kicked out" and I asked it too.  When the answer was "nothing" I knew that she had just gotten the short end of the stick yet again and we had to take her.  I couldn't have lived with myself if we didn't.  Thank goodness I went with my gut.  CC was meant to be with us.  It's not always easy but we got into foster care to be able to give someone like her a home.  She does everything we ask her to do, she gets good grades in school, she is smart, she is willing to try new things, we connect.  If we wouldn't adopt her than who would we adopt?  And I figure it's only going to get better.  Seventh grade is the worst year of most people's lives so if we can make this transition with a seventh grader it should only get better.

It's Everyone Else

CC's school is making me crazy.  They are treating me like the ogre foster mother instead of respecting me as her parent.  Instead of calling me when they thought she was missing after school they called her case worker.  Instead of calling me when she posted suicide thoughts on the internet (of which I was completely aware and worked through with her & her therapist) they called her caseworker.  Instead of calling me when they thought she should see a specialist for allergies they called her caseworker.  It is so disheartening to feel unappreciated by outsiders when you are doing so much for a child. 

Additionally, CC can be very sneaky when it comes to figuring out ways to get out of class and instead of seeing through this and sending her back to class with a band aid they let her sit in the nurses office, sit in the guidance office, sit in the main office.  I think that at this point in her life she needs to get a little bit more of a "suck it up and deal" attitude.  Just a little bit.  She is in a loving home, she has  two therapists.  I just need the school to teach her and not act like they are doing me a big favor by "letting" her go to school there.

I don't know why this situation is consuming all of my thoughts.  It's one thing if a kid doesn't appreciate you, they should have to, but for the adults in her life to not appreciate that she is in a caring home, when she hasn't been in the past, is discouraging.