A red dogwood

We have a dogwood tree outside of our kitchen window that turns a bright red early in the Fall.   It's a  really big dogwood tree for a dogwood and it feels special to me because the dogwood is the Virginia state tree.  It's like a little bit of me in the yard.   It is already starting to turn red. 

Tonight when I was looking out the window at that tree, through the rain, I got the sense that,  one day, a lifetime away from now, when I am turning 72, I will look out this same window, at the same tree turning red on my birthday.  I will think about my life's work, and this will be it.  Fostering, gardening, teaching,  hopefully instilling a kind and loving spirit in others.  And it will have been enough.  It was like I was looking at my future and my past in the same moment. 

Treating ourselves

So, as everyone knows - parents need a break sometimes.  And, I am gonna say it, ESPECIALLY foster parents.  Now, while I do mean they need things like a night out or an afternoon away from kids and stress, I also mean that everyone needs a break - they need to have something, or a break from something, that makes them happy and less stressed.  For us that break is cleaning.

Ok, so we are lucky.  Our bio sons have always spent one evening a week with their bio dad.  It used to be at our house and he would come over after work, play with them, bathe them & put them to bed.  It was great, we had a whole free evening, EVERY WEEK!  And then their dad started taking classes, so those days started taking place Friday nights.  Awesome!  Then we started fostering.  Now he still takes the boys, and they spend the night at his house because he recently moved one town over from us, but we still have 3 kids to entertain.  Bye-bye night off!  That used to be our big break.

But, just last week, for the first time, we started a new break.  We had a house cleaner come in. We are going to have someone come to our house one hour a week, every week, and clean.  We don't hate cleaning & we are not terrible at it, but man, it's time consuming and trying to clean around 5 kids is VERY difficult, especially when both parents work full-time jobs.We both feel anxious and overwhelmed when the house is a mess, even if it's neat but needs dusting and vacuuming (well, that's more me than Andrea, I might be slightly OCD). And if we don't have time to clean, we get annoyed and frustrated and feel guilty about not staying up all night to clean.  Plus, it turns out these folks are WAY better at it than we are.  And now the kids HAVE to clean their rooms, put all their laundry away, get their stuff out of common areas once a week (if not more, depending on how things pile up) or else their stuff gets tossed.  It hasn't happened yet, but we are only coming up on week two. We are also forced to straighten up our bedroom, bathroom and all of our junk too.  It's a great motivator. 

As we discovered last week, there is nothing more wonderful than coming home to a sparkling house that you didn't have to spend 6 hours cleaning while not spending time with your family.  It's an awesome feeling that we carried with us all week long.  Totally worth it.

Who is this person?  Not me!!

                                       

Court Predictions

Well, was I right about anything?  Let's see:

CC - well, it turns out that she didn't even have court that day.  Why not?  Because it was actually held the WEEK before.  Right.  And no one knew or told us.  Her caseworker didn't even know about it.  How do they hold court without the caseworker?  How do they make decisions about a child and no one who actually deals with her knows about any of it?  Sigh.

Baby N - as of right now they are court ordered to look into family for him.  He has 2 older siblings that have been adopted by a non-family member and one older brother (by one year, almost exactly) who lives with his paternal grandparents.  They have custody of that child.  Now, why did they not come forward for Baby N?  Because they only found out about his existence last Friday! The bio parents don't want Baby N to go with the paternal grandparents because they do not get along.  Something about how the grandparents do not approve of the bio parents lifestyle.  Shocking.  The next court date for Baby N is in October, but that's mostly for the bio dad because he never showed up to court and doesn't  have representation yet.  Also, the parents have missed 3 visits so far - including one the day after they ran into Andrea at Walmart.

BJ - oh boy, his case is a doozy.  For real.  As of right now, both parents are in jail for very different reasons.  So, there go any visits.  Plus, the judge gave permission for him to move to his aunts house as soon as she gets approval.  Her state has been out to her house and how they have 60 days to file all paperwork and give approval.  BJ's caseworker is going to try and light a fire under them so he can be moved before Thanksgiving.  Or at least by then - over a school break, they hope.  that is good - as of now his parents are in NO shape to care for him and the best thing for him is to be with his aunt, who he loves.  He will be an only child and I think he will LOVE the state he will be moving to.

As for my predictions, I am giving myself a 75%.  Not totally wrong, but not totally right.  I think I am a 'C' student when it comes to predicting the actions of the state.

Yes!

not a "learning experience"

This is going to be random:

A lot of times when I say something to the effect of, "I can't do _____x____ because I have five kids" I feel like people are thinking, "you didn't have to keep taking kids."  I feel less legitimate than if those five kids were all biological.  That is ridiculous.  In this day and age no one "has" to have five kids.  I am as much a legitimate parent as anyone else is. 

CC keeps telling people that I am her mom (she doesn't call me mom, just introduces me as her mom) and it both melts and breaks my heart every time.  Given all that she has been through and the lack of mentoring/parenting she has had she is really an amazing kid. 

So far I feel like every foster care placement we have taken up until now has been "a learning experience"  aka - a mistake, as in, "we wouldn't do it again."  With CC I feel like we are actually helping a kid who needs us and it is a win-win situation for everyone. 

I am off to Quaker "meeting for worship" where I will probably reflect on this further in my head. 

Court

All three kids have 3 different court dates this week.  Yikes!  Here is a run-down of what I think will happen - and maybe next week I will write about how totally wrong I was.

CC: she is going to talk to the judge about her case.  As of right now court has ordered her worker to find her an adoptive home.  She has said that she does not want to be adopted but she wants to age out of the system.  I understand her feelings - she's been in some bad situations, both in foster care & her one adoptive placement - but I also think it's a hard decision to make at 13.  She still has a while to go in the system!  She said she was nervous about the judge, but I explained that he will listen to her and take her feelings into consideration (I hope!) but will end up deciding what he feels is best for her at her age.  She is not in trouble, so the judge isn't angry or upset with her (that's how she feels). I don't want to her freak if the judge decides they have to continue searching for a new adoptive home for her.  She knows we are here for her as long as she needs in this process.

BJ: I know that for this case they are trying to lower the dad's visits from 3 hours a week to 1 because he is a constant no show.  I think that will happen.  I also know that they are going to recommend that BJ is moved to his aunt's house as soon as she gets approved and not wait until the next court date.  I hope that happens for him - I think it's the best plan for him to be successful.  I think his dad will flip out at some point during the proceedings (he seems to think he's going to get him back, even though he's done NOTHING in his plan). Plus, he said he would fight the move to the aunt's house - since she is in another state - and he'll "never get to see him." Dude, you don't see him now, you never come to visits now - what's the difference? Also, how about fighting to get him back instead of fighting any progress for your son to move forward? I am not sure about his mom, she was making progress, but now there are rumors that all may not be going as smoothly as we thought.  So, all I hope for this case is that they can move forward with the aunt soon.  I think though, they may end up giving the mom more time & longer visits and stretch this out for months.  Again.

Baby N: I think for his case they are just going to give the parents their plan and set up visits.  I don't think much will happen here.  Although there is the SLIGHT chance that he will go home.

Check back next week and see if I am psychic! Or just crazy.  

You cannot make this stuff up

Last night I needed to pick up diapers at Walmart (I am not a walmart hater.  They are what they are.  I recently found out that Target has some anti-gay practice but I don't remember the specifics).   I took Baby N to free up some Kristin time and I casually mentioned to her as I was leaving, "What if I see his parents there?"  She said, "That will never happen."  So I am walking through walmart with Baby N in a hippie sling and I see a white woman and a black man pushing an empty baby stroller.  They sort of did a double take on me and then walked down the next aisle.  I immediately knew it was them. They came back and the mom said, "I don't want to freak you out but we are his parents."  I passed Baby N over to them for a few minutes, they talked to him and held him and then said, "we are in a hurry" and off they went.  I abandoned my cart and left the store because the lines were really long and I didn't want to have to wait in line and make more small talk. I mean, you really can't make up stuff like this.

A night off - well, not really

When you have 5 kids and 3 are out for the evening - it is like a night off!  Every Friday night our boys, ML & JC spend the night at their dad's house - which is awesome for all of us. So that's where they will be tonight.  CC is going roller skating with friends and will be out until we pick her up at 10pm.  Now it's only us, the baby & BJ.  BJ just got a new Kindle Fire from his dad (he actually wanted an iPod Touch, but whatever) & I just got it all set up, so we know that will keep him busy for hours -there's his activity for the night.  Now the moms can have beer, sushi and conversation time out on the deck with only 1 baby to deal with.  And as of this morning I have learned that this baby is a fan of sitting on the deck!  Yay!

Baby N watching the chickens from the deck

Teenagers!

As Andrea said below - we now have 5 kids.  CC was with us for 3 days back in June for respite - just waiting for her new (transitional) foster mother to get home from vacation.  That home would be the place she stayed in while she was (VERY quickly) transitioned into an adoptive home.  The adoptive home only lasted a month.  From what she and her case worker (actually he's an adoption specialist, but whatever) said it seemed like those folks didn't actually want to deal with a teenager.  I wonder, if the transition went slower and they got to know each other better before moving her in, would this have happened?

We got the call last Wednesday - the day we were leaving to visit Andrea's parents - a 7 hour drive away - that CC needed a place.  She really liked her stay with us - and who wouldn't - we let her stay up, go on the computer whenever, she had no responsibilities, etc.  That's because she was with us for only 3 days AND her birthday was on her first full day with us.  We found that out right before her case worker left the evening before ("Oh, by the way, her 13th birthday is tomorrow").  So, when the placement person called this time, I was like, "Oh, I don't know, we are going out of state for the next 5 days and the car is tight - we have 4 kids now, including a brand new (to us) 4 month old."  Placement person: "Oh, that's great, I am sure CC would LOVE to go with you all, it would really take her mind off her disrupted adoption."  Ummmmm, ok.  Dang these people know how to sell a kid (aka make you feel guilty).

CC with the in-law's horse

So, I called Andrea.  Now, when CC was here last, I only saw her for 3 hours of her entire 3 days with us.  I hung out with her the first night while Andrea went to a school function, the second night CC was out for her birthday & I had fallen asleep before she got home, she was asleep when I left for work the next day and then left before I got home that evening. Andrea really liked her & wanted to help her.  I understood that but I wanted to say no.  Actually, I told Andrea, I do not want to do this, I am not ready to take on a teenage girl, especially one that is going to have some issues (she has NEVER been in a good foster home & her bio family has pretty much disowned her for saying, "yes, there are drugs around and yes, I get hit, etc") - so there are issues deep inside, even if she is good at holding them in.  I felt that with 3 kids under 4 and a 9 year old, we had enough on our plate.  BUT, I also knew that Andrea HAD to help her.  She would not be able to live with herself if she didn't at least try.  So, ultimately I said, I don't want to do this, but I will.  And I think we can help her, while she is with us and she hasn't been bad.  Granted it's only been a week - so we are in full honeymoon period here - but she's helpful, helps a ton with the baby, loves out dog & cat, gets herself up and moving in the morning without a word from us, does her homework with zero issues, etc.  So far, so good.  Who knows what I will be saying a month from now though.

I do have one issue.  Facebook.  She is a typical, dramatic teenage girl on Facebook and it makes me CRAZY.  We are both friends with her to keep an eye on things, but my lord, I might have to hid her.  The drama, the (purposeful - i hope anyway) misspellings, the pictures with "deep" sayings, the cursing.   I don't know if it's even worth discussing it with her (well, so are going to discuss the cursing) but the other stuff, is it even worth it?  She is so negative on Facebook, but not really in person, so I don't get it.  I think it's all just for attention, but man, it's annoying.

Teens!

Mother of Five - Again

I keep telling myself that once we get into a school routine everything is going to be okay and this will be our new normal.  13 year old girl from a disrupted adoption, 9 year old boy with whom we have personality conflicts, the sweetest four year old you could wish for, a stubborn two year old and a 4 1/2 month old baby who doesn't sleep well.  Every one of these children will go to a different school/daycare in the morning and each will have to be picked up from a different place each afternoon.  We are trying to put practices into place that will eliminate as much conflict as possible and will make our lives a little bit easier.  Housekeeper! Instituting odd days and even days for the two big kids where on odd days one gets to sit up front but has to be the dinner assistant and one even days the other one does.  I want to pay CC (13 year old) to fold all the laundry on Sundays and JB (9 yr old) to mow the lawn. 

I am just not sure we are ready to raise a teenager long term, and that is what it is looking like right now.  I wish I could be completely selfless and say that this is what is best for her and we will make it work, and we probably will, but I know there will be a lot of doubts and anxiety along the way.  It is weird but I don't have any anxiety, guilt, or trepidation about the baby.  And I guess that is why things are the way they are.