New placement!

We got a call on Friday for a four-month-old baby boy.  We had an hour and a half to get ready for him & I was still at work.  Luckily, we have tons of boy clothes, although most are at my sister B's house because she has a six-month-old boy and between her and my other sister, E - who has an almost one-year- old girl - we were able to get enough of everything we needed for the time being.

This poor little guy came with nothing but one shirt, one bottle and some formula. He's super cute, very smiley and is very easy to make laugh.  ML, JC and BJ love him.  They all want to hold him.  He loves to be held and will only sleep an hour at a time if he's in a bed or swing, so that's hard.  We did not get much sleep his first two nights, but last night wasn't bad.  Well, according to Andrea anyway, she is down the shore with the rest of my family while I am stuck at work.


Tomorrow is court, so hopefully, we will learn more about what's going on.  Or, not.  You know foster care!

 

Oh, and I almost forgot - the baby's intake worker was the caseworker on our very first placement and we LOVE her.  Well, she was there for the drop off of Baby N and she saw our dog, Ches.  He's a stray Andrea found a year ago and my parents ended up taking him in.  They couldn't keep him so he's been staying with us since June & we've been trying to find a new home for him, if possible.  Well, C - the intake worker fell in love with him and took him down the shore with her for a trial week and she wants to keep him.  He's a nice dog, but very hyper (he's 2, but acts like a brand new puppy) and we just don't have time these days to work with him.  We are so happy he's going to a close-by home with someone we like and we know we will get updates about him!

No Show

BJ with JC at wildlife center

BJ has been with us since January.  He came about a week after his 9th birthday.  He had been taken into care in the beginning of January, but that family went on vacation, so he went into a respite home the next week and the original family couldn't take him back for some reason (I heard a couple different stories).  He had been going to school in out town and doing well, so they called us.  We had just had a sibling group of three leave the week before so we said yes.


Everyone though it was going to be a short placement.  His dad had custody, but he (BJ) had been living with his mother when he went into care & the dad was doing all that was asked of him (they were never married).  Then.  We were good up to March, everyone thought he was going home.  Then his dad stopped coming to visits - but the judge gave him 3 hour visits once a week (instead of just one) with the idea that he would get over nights and weekends soon after.  It never happened.  He was in a program that offered "therapeutic" visits as long as he went to their program.  He went for a while, then stopped. No more therapeutic visits.


We had been so encouraged.  We signed BJ up for baseball & his dad would come to games/practices and ask to see him on weekends to practice with him.  He is a nice, charming guy - always thanking us for taking care of BJ and saying how much he appreciates everything.  He is also manipulative.  He wants to see BJ when it's good for him, no matter what the schedule the judge set for him.  He thinks he can charm/talk us into letting him see BJ whenever he wants (he once asked BJ if we could "stop by his place" on our way home from Maine - a 10 hour drive - just to say hi. Yeah right).  That stopped and now we have very little contact with him.  We even used to have BJ call him the night before a visit to remind him to confirm the visit for the next day - mainly b/c BJ wanted to see him so bad.  But, no more.  It's time for us to stop doing his work for him (I mean, we are already parenting his kid for him) and let him sink or swim on his own.


Today is the perfect example.  Since Andrea is out of town, my sister E. is watching the 3 boys - along with her own 11 month old daughter.  The original plan was for her to either take the kids to my aunt's house to go swimming for the day, or to go to our town pool.  Because BJ's dad confirmed his visit for today & he would get picked up at 1:30 for the visit, she didn't have time to do either (my aunt lives about 45 mins away).  So, BJ got picked up (a little late), went to the office & THE DAD DID NOT SHOW UP.  Seriously?!?  This is like the 3rd week in a row.  He randomly shows up to football practice (mostly because some of his family is there and I think he want to put on a show) - but not the visit he confirmed?!  My sister could have taken all the kids to the pool - all day - and had a nice, easy day.  Instead they all stayed home and basically just hung out.  I am super annoyed and want to send him an angry text message, but I won't.  I am writing here instead.   The next court date is mid-September and I think he is in for a rude awakening there.


A few months ago they started looking into BJ's maternal aunt who lives in another state.  She comes up to visit, checks up on things with his caseworker and is very interested in doing kinship care.  We love that idea for him - he would be the only child in that house and I think he needs that kind of attention from one (or two, I think she's married, but not 100% on that) person/family member.  We think he's been living from place to place - where ever  his dad could find a place to crash for a few weeks/months.  But, now his mom has stepped it up.  She came to visits pretty regularly, but hadn't really been considered for custody due to her issues.  Well, she's gone to detox, got a job & an apartment and comes to every visit & actually reschedules if she can't make a visit (that is HUGE for anyone involved in this case).  Honestly, I think the best place for BJ is with his aunt, but you have to give it to the mom for trying - and hopefully succeeding. 

Lying ?

Kristin wanted me to write a post about my new discipline technique.  BJ has been caught lying three times in the last three days.  It is all nine year old boy type lies but I find it unacceptable.  First he told us he didn't ride his bike to Wawa when we were pretty sure that he did (and later he admitted it).  Then he broke a glass and said he didn't break anything when I asked him what broke.  Finally he fed his dinner to the dog and said that he didn't.  For the first two incidences I made him write a one page, double spaced composition about why lying is wrong.  He said it was because people don't like liars.  That isn't really what I was going for, but he hates to write and I think this kind of punishment is multi-faceted in that it forces him to practice writing and spelling, makes him think about what he did instead of zoning out during one of my lectures, and takes time away from him being able to do what he wants.  For the last incident he lost his precious "watching Netflix on the iPad" time before bed.

We also have trouble with him following through with basic responsibilities like brushing his teeth and taking his inhaler.  These are probably also 9 year old boy things to forget but we don't really know because we have never had a nine year old boy.  I made up a sticker chart of about seven responsibilities and for each one that isn't accomplished each day he will lose 5 minutes of iPad time (he gets one hour of technology time each day).

On a positive note - BJ is very good at playing with the little boys and watching out for them in an appropriate big brother way.  He has taken a lot of ownership of them as brothers and calls them his brothers in public.  That might be because I call them his brothers in public and I think he is secretly desperate to feel like a part of our family.  He refers to me as "Mom" when he is talking about me.  Such as, "My Mom said I could come to your birthday party."  However, he calls me Andrea.

I am looking forward to school starting just to get him into a more regulated schedule and hopefully things between us will return to a little bit of how they were during the school year last year.  I felt much more positive about him then.  I am NOT looking foward to my own school year starting.

A cute thing about ML - I knitted him a stuffed seal but I hadn't assembled it when he went to bed last night.  He woke me up at 2:30 am to see if I had finished it and when I gave it to him he was full of compliments about how cute it was and how much he liked it.  He is such a sweet boy.

JC - This morning he kept waving to me and saying "Bye Mommy" as I was leaving.  Six months ago he would have been crying and hanging on me. 

My Yesterday

Get up at 7:00am to say good-bye to Andrea who is headed to a 4 day work conference (oh-no, single motherhood!)

Lay back down for about 30 minutes, then get up and get showered.

7:45ish -set little boys up with a short show (Strawberry Shortcake - I didn't know that was back on!) and get them dressed/fed.

8:15 - wake up BJ for a 9am dentist appointment.

8:30 - Sister L. arrives to take BJ to dentist. Relax with little boys for a bit (after doing dishes, straightening up, etc)

9:15 - get respite boys up and organized.  Find all junk in their room, strip sheets, etc.

9:45 - BJ arrives back home with my sister.

10:00 - respite boys caseworker (ARGH!) arrives & they leave.

10:15 - get laundry started, pack up last 3 boys and head out the door.

10:30 - drop boys off at other sister's (E.) house & head to work.

11:00-5:00 - Work.

5:05 - pick BJ up from visit with his mom

5:20 - arrive at sister E.'s house, get BJ into football stuff, grab little boys, head to practice.

5:50 - arrive at practice, wait until 6:15 for respite boys to show up so I can give them the rest of their uniforms.  They never show up.

6:15 - head home to make dinner.  Sisters E (along with niece) & L show up for dinner.  Surprise visit from my parents!

6:30 - sisters and mom head out the door to check out a venue for Sister E's wedding shower (she hates surprises).  I finish making dinner and dish out food for the little boys, while holding a whining niece and try and hold a conversation with my dad, who is getting annoyed that I am not answering his questions in a timely manner. 

7:00 - everyone arrives back home & we eat.

7:30 - get the boys back in the car to pick up BJ.

8:15 - get BJ some dinner, then get boys all showered, pajamaed and in bed.  Read stories to little boys and hang with them until they fall asleep (a deadly habit we've all gotten into). 

10:00 - finish dinner dishes and throw myself on the couch for 2 glorious episodes of House Hunters.  Ahhhhh.

The next morning.....

Get boys out of the house and over to E.'s house by 8am.  Realize I forgot my work bag at home, go back home to get it, arrive late to work.  Leave a delicious cannoli (given to me by E) in my car - retrieve it b/c I am NOT letting that thing sit in my car and melt. Realize - while walking down the hallway - after saying good morning to a co-worker - that my shirt popped a button, right in an obvious and not very attractive spot.  Face the fact that this is going to be another long day.  Deal with it by eating the cannoli at 9:30.    Then realize you are going to have to start running again in September whether you like it or not.

Last Respite Weekend

So we had a semi-busy weekend. We promised the 3 older boys that they could go to The Funplex (a recreation facility with some rides like bumper cars & Tilt-a-whirl, arcade, pools, splash pads, laser tag, etc) on Friday afternoon. The little boys go to their dad's house Friday evenings and spend the night & that place isn't really their scene so it was perfect. Well, perfect for everyone but the adults. We didn't feel comfortable leaving the boys there alone while we went out and ran errands and/or got dinner (you never know what could go wrong, plus we knew they wouldn't stay together, which they didn't). So we sat at a little table by the pool area armed with computers (wifi didn't work outside), phones and books. It was a long 5.5 hours and I don't think my butt has recovered. On a happy note, I did get to have fried mac & cheese bites & a quesadilla for dinner so that was fun - if only that place served beer!

Saturday everyone slept in and ML & BJ went to a birthday party for a neighborhood kid that afternoon. The 2 bigger boys went to the pool & then we had a BBQ with my mom, brother, sisters, niece, soon-to-be bro-in-law and ML & JC's dad. That was fun and the food was awesome (if I do say so myself).

Sunday was supposed to be a lazy day at the pool because (for the first time ever)we really had no obligations. Of course, it was the coolest day of the summer so far. But, we headed to the pool like champs and all of the boys had a good time. Then we got ice cream - BEFORE dinner - because we are wild like that. The big boys played basketball when we got home - which has been their obsession for the last 3 days - where was the obsession for the first 2 weeks they were here - and we ordered dinner (pizza). We folded all of the laundry in the house and packed up our two respite boys, organized all of their stuff (how do they acquire so much stuff over 2 weeks?) then settled them down for a movie.

BBQ Basketball

They left this morning and I was a bit more sad than I thought I'd be (it was a hard couple of weeks). But, I know they are fine, their foster mom really seems to like them, plus, we signed them up for football one town over from us where BJ plays, so we are hoping their foster mom lets them play and then we'll see them at least 4 evenings a week.

In other news, their caseworker is a raging meanie (I would like to say something much harsher, but I won't).  I think she is mad at us for calling her supervisor, but hey - she was doing a poor job, not us.  She came in, didn't say anything, no hellos, how are you, etc - not even to the boys.  I said, "Do you have something for me to sign?" She handed me some papers and said, "yeah." I said, "ok, where do I sign." She said, "Somewhere down there, I guess."  Oh, you don't know?  You've never done this before?  Yeesh.  I signed, got the boy's birth certificates (for football, we are signing them up and paying for it) and they headed out the door.  That was it, she never spoke another word to me.  Guess whose supervisor is getting another phone call! 

A Quick Rant

What do you do with a twelve year old respite placement who starts wetting the bed nightly, one week in?  Here’s is what I do: search through his drawers to find where he stashed his pee clothes and then quick wash the sheets and blankets and put the same ones back on so that he doesn’t know I know.  He and his brother got into a fight over something stupid and his brother said something about him “pissing the bed” and then he hauled off and punched him and that seemed to trigger it.   

I called their caseworker after this incidence of violence and she didn’t call me back.  After two voice mails and FOUR days I called her supervisor and when I finally talked to the caseworker she was clearly annoyed that I had called her supervisor.  Her response to my concern about the bed wetting was, “It isn’t a problem with his regular foster mother.” I mentioned that I had seen a bed wetting problem noted on his medical intake form and she said, “that was at a vacation placement.”  Hello, I am a vacation placement.  It might have been helpful to mention that.  Not that it would have changed anything, because I have no idea how to handle this other than my non-handling of it, but would have been considerate to mention it.  She also did nothing when the older boy got kicked out of his camp program, forcing him to stay home with me all day.   

The boys play computer games and watch weird things on TV all day.  I have to force them outside to play basketball, throw a football, ride bikes, walk the dogs.  I don’t think that I can change their value system of how they spend their free time in two weeks so I wouldn’t really care except that I don’t want my 2 and 4 year old watching TV all day so I have to force them to turn it off. We just aren’t a tv/video game family and I don’t want my little boys who can entertain themselves for hours with popsicle sticks and rocks to sit inside with the TV on all day.  This is one of the reasons why I wouldn’t do a drastically older placement again, because of the things it introduces to my little boys. 

Getting Here

I guess we have to start with the back story.  Kristin and I met through a friend a long time ago (2004 maybe –we aren’t really sure).  We eventually started spending more time together, through the friend, and moved in together in her city house in 2006.  Kristin carried our first son who was conceived through a known donor (who has become the best father any kid could ever want) and ML was born in January 2008.  We moved to our “suburban farm” (we have seven chickens, a cat, a dog, a rabbit & a garden) when ML was 7 months because I couldn’t take the city anymore.   

I gave birth to our second son, same dad, in the spring of 2010.  When JC was not quite a year we became foster parents, at my coaxing.  Our first placement was for three kids ages 2, 3 and 4. We had five children all born within two and a half years of each other.  Needless to say we were completely overwhelmed and they were moved after 3 months.  Our second placement, BJ, came one week later.  He is nine and has been with us for eight months.  He may be returning home in November.  We had one three day respite placement for a 13 year old girl, and one respite placement for brothers ages 12 and 14.   

With every placement we learn what we cannot handle; five children under five, teenage boys.  I don’t want to believe that your biological children have to be the oldest but what we have learned is that having children with such wide age ranges forces us to compartmentalize our family in a way in which we are not comfortable. So that is how we got to the place where we are now.