Why is it always the worst possible scenario?

So the worst possible scenario is happening to us in BJ's case.  He was supposed to move to his aunt sometime before Thanksgiving with the assumption that she was basically going to adopt him and be a parent figure/resource for him for the rest of his life.  Perfect foster care outcome really because she is stable and seems to have the resources to support him.  Well she backed out.  She said that she and her husband, "agreed not to have children."

So now his goal will change to adoption.  He is not the right fit for our family and we don't want to adopt him.  I feel so guilty saying that we don't want to adopt him.  I always thought that if a child needed a home I would be able to provide that home.  Not true.  BJ is a good kid, he does pretty well in school, everyone loves him.  However, he is not a good fit for our family, there is just something missing.  He lacks empathy and he is too out for himself.  There is just something about him that irks us.  Again, I feel so guilty saying that about a child.

Although we don't want to adopt him we have committed to him until he can find a permanent home (at least I have.  I couldn't send him away to random strangers, especially after what every social worker and therapist has told me about most of the other foster homes in our area).  BUT THAT COULD BE A YEAR AND A HALF!  We feel so stuck because he creates a weird tension in our home but we also signed up for this and can't just ask him to move on.  All summer we thought, "Just hold on until Thanksgiving" and that is what kept us going but now that is lost. 

No Show

BJ with JC at wildlife center

BJ has been with us since January.  He came about a week after his 9th birthday.  He had been taken into care in the beginning of January, but that family went on vacation, so he went into a respite home the next week and the original family couldn't take him back for some reason (I heard a couple different stories).  He had been going to school in out town and doing well, so they called us.  We had just had a sibling group of three leave the week before so we said yes.


Everyone though it was going to be a short placement.  His dad had custody, but he (BJ) had been living with his mother when he went into care & the dad was doing all that was asked of him (they were never married).  Then.  We were good up to March, everyone thought he was going home.  Then his dad stopped coming to visits - but the judge gave him 3 hour visits once a week (instead of just one) with the idea that he would get over nights and weekends soon after.  It never happened.  He was in a program that offered "therapeutic" visits as long as he went to their program.  He went for a while, then stopped. No more therapeutic visits.


We had been so encouraged.  We signed BJ up for baseball & his dad would come to games/practices and ask to see him on weekends to practice with him.  He is a nice, charming guy - always thanking us for taking care of BJ and saying how much he appreciates everything.  He is also manipulative.  He wants to see BJ when it's good for him, no matter what the schedule the judge set for him.  He thinks he can charm/talk us into letting him see BJ whenever he wants (he once asked BJ if we could "stop by his place" on our way home from Maine - a 10 hour drive - just to say hi. Yeah right).  That stopped and now we have very little contact with him.  We even used to have BJ call him the night before a visit to remind him to confirm the visit for the next day - mainly b/c BJ wanted to see him so bad.  But, no more.  It's time for us to stop doing his work for him (I mean, we are already parenting his kid for him) and let him sink or swim on his own.


Today is the perfect example.  Since Andrea is out of town, my sister E. is watching the 3 boys - along with her own 11 month old daughter.  The original plan was for her to either take the kids to my aunt's house to go swimming for the day, or to go to our town pool.  Because BJ's dad confirmed his visit for today & he would get picked up at 1:30 for the visit, she didn't have time to do either (my aunt lives about 45 mins away).  So, BJ got picked up (a little late), went to the office & THE DAD DID NOT SHOW UP.  Seriously?!?  This is like the 3rd week in a row.  He randomly shows up to football practice (mostly because some of his family is there and I think he want to put on a show) - but not the visit he confirmed?!  My sister could have taken all the kids to the pool - all day - and had a nice, easy day.  Instead they all stayed home and basically just hung out.  I am super annoyed and want to send him an angry text message, but I won't.  I am writing here instead.   The next court date is mid-September and I think he is in for a rude awakening there.


A few months ago they started looking into BJ's maternal aunt who lives in another state.  She comes up to visit, checks up on things with his caseworker and is very interested in doing kinship care.  We love that idea for him - he would be the only child in that house and I think he needs that kind of attention from one (or two, I think she's married, but not 100% on that) person/family member.  We think he's been living from place to place - where ever  his dad could find a place to crash for a few weeks/months.  But, now his mom has stepped it up.  She came to visits pretty regularly, but hadn't really been considered for custody due to her issues.  Well, she's gone to detox, got a job & an apartment and comes to every visit & actually reschedules if she can't make a visit (that is HUGE for anyone involved in this case).  Honestly, I think the best place for BJ is with his aunt, but you have to give it to the mom for trying - and hopefully succeeding. 

A Quick Rant

What do you do with a twelve year old respite placement who starts wetting the bed nightly, one week in?  Here’s is what I do: search through his drawers to find where he stashed his pee clothes and then quick wash the sheets and blankets and put the same ones back on so that he doesn’t know I know.  He and his brother got into a fight over something stupid and his brother said something about him “pissing the bed” and then he hauled off and punched him and that seemed to trigger it.   

I called their caseworker after this incidence of violence and she didn’t call me back.  After two voice mails and FOUR days I called her supervisor and when I finally talked to the caseworker she was clearly annoyed that I had called her supervisor.  Her response to my concern about the bed wetting was, “It isn’t a problem with his regular foster mother.” I mentioned that I had seen a bed wetting problem noted on his medical intake form and she said, “that was at a vacation placement.”  Hello, I am a vacation placement.  It might have been helpful to mention that.  Not that it would have changed anything, because I have no idea how to handle this other than my non-handling of it, but would have been considerate to mention it.  She also did nothing when the older boy got kicked out of his camp program, forcing him to stay home with me all day.   

The boys play computer games and watch weird things on TV all day.  I have to force them outside to play basketball, throw a football, ride bikes, walk the dogs.  I don’t think that I can change their value system of how they spend their free time in two weeks so I wouldn’t really care except that I don’t want my 2 and 4 year old watching TV all day so I have to force them to turn it off. We just aren’t a tv/video game family and I don’t want my little boys who can entertain themselves for hours with popsicle sticks and rocks to sit inside with the TV on all day.  This is one of the reasons why I wouldn’t do a drastically older placement again, because of the things it introduces to my little boys. 

Getting Here

I guess we have to start with the back story.  Kristin and I met through a friend a long time ago (2004 maybe –we aren’t really sure).  We eventually started spending more time together, through the friend, and moved in together in her city house in 2006.  Kristin carried our first son who was conceived through a known donor (who has become the best father any kid could ever want) and ML was born in January 2008.  We moved to our “suburban farm” (we have seven chickens, a cat, a dog, a rabbit & a garden) when ML was 7 months because I couldn’t take the city anymore.   

I gave birth to our second son, same dad, in the spring of 2010.  When JC was not quite a year we became foster parents, at my coaxing.  Our first placement was for three kids ages 2, 3 and 4. We had five children all born within two and a half years of each other.  Needless to say we were completely overwhelmed and they were moved after 3 months.  Our second placement, BJ, came one week later.  He is nine and has been with us for eight months.  He may be returning home in November.  We had one three day respite placement for a 13 year old girl, and one respite placement for brothers ages 12 and 14.   

With every placement we learn what we cannot handle; five children under five, teenage boys.  I don’t want to believe that your biological children have to be the oldest but what we have learned is that having children with such wide age ranges forces us to compartmentalize our family in a way in which we are not comfortable. So that is how we got to the place where we are now.