Old Home Week

Just ran down to our CPS office to drop off a few important things BJ left behind (a brand new inhaler & school library books) and ran into both Baby N & BJ's mom.  2 for the price of one.

I was getting off the elevator when BJ's mom was getting off & it didn't seem like she saw me/recognized me.  That's fine - I suspect she doesn't love us and may have said some stuff to BJ about us - which made our last month with him a little uncomfortable.  Then, after I dropped off BJ's items I was headed back to the elevator and saw Baby N at the end of the hallway with his parents.  I had never met his parents, but Andrea had - but I recognized them from her description.  I wasn't sure if I should say hi, but I did - I had to.  He looks so cute, his hair is growing in so curly and we was super smiley and laughing a bunch.  I am not sure if seeing him gave me closure or made me even more sad.  His parents were very nice - they kept telling me that they wished he stayed with us instead of going to the bio-dad's parents.  They do not get along - but they have their other son who is 18 months old.   But, I am so glad I got to see him.  I really do miss him and ML just said this weekend that he misses Baby N the most. I am glad I can bring home some news of him.

Then, right after I left the building, I saw BJ's mom sitting outside and I knew she saw me this time - so we chatted for about 10 minutes.  BJ is doing fine - his football team is playing in the championship game this Saturday. They are undefeated.  We are all going to go and see him play this weekend.  She thanked us for taking good care of him - she said she knows there are some scary homes out there & was glad he was with us.  She also told me that it looks like BJ's dad is going to be in jail for a lot longer than anyone thinks - he has more charges against him then what was mentioned in the newspaper article about his arrest.  Jail might be the best way for him to keep out of trouble!  Since we are going to see BJ's game this weekend, we'll be able to meet the cousins he's staying with, so that's good - partly because I am super nosy.

We couldn't ask for much more.....

I feel like everything I write is negative and I just wanted to focus on the positive with CC.  We really couldn't ask for much more from a 13 year old girl.  She does what we ask her to, she is appreciative of everything we do for her/give her, and she is polite and appropriate.  She had an allergic reaction to something the other day and my aunt inquired about how she was feeling in a facebook post.  CC replied that she was feeling better and "thank you for asking."  That seemed pretty impressive for someone who has had no parenting. 

I always wanted a girl and while I pictured dressing up a little girl and doing pigtails, CC doesn't feel like a consolation prize.  She feels like that little girl, just without the dress up and pigtails.  and I probably wouldn't have been good at that stuff anyway. 

Less stress

I feel so much less stressed at home lately.  We still have four children, and only the baby whom we loved and who didn't cause much trouble has left, but it feels like there is less angst, more contentment and I have generally more free time.  I think it must be anticipating BJ's departure also.

I am so disappointed in myself for not being able to love a nine year old who has no major personality, behavioral, or learning disorders.  He is a good kid who does everything we ask him to do, gets along great with our little boys and is kind to younger children, but something just never clicked. He never says please or thank you with genuineness.  He gets a huge attitude when someone gets something he doesn't get, even though in general he gets more "stuff" than anyone else in the house. Last night he was making his Christmas list and he said he wanted: a phone, a computer, legos, heelies.  I suggested that he might want to consider the cost of these items and narrow it down a bit or put some cheaper items on his list as well.  Meanwhile, ML said that because BJ was taking the legos with him when he left he might want some legos of his own when he was nine.  Then he added, "but only if they don't cost too much money."  ML said that he wanted garbage truck legos for Christmas and upon hearing that his two year old brother JC said he wanted those too and ML said, "Well we can share them and keep them in our room since we share a room." How is anyone going to compete with that?  Not that kids should have to compete but it is a stark contrast to greed. 

BJ is moving in with "cousins" he has never met but he can't wait to get there because he thinks it is going to be better than our house and he is going to "get more."  He probably will get more love and affection and hope that is what he will come to appreciate.  I wish I could have given it to him.  We gave him a safe, comfortable place to live and I just wish I could have given him the physical affection and love that he needed as well.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I tried but usually when I had good intentions he would frustrate me with some inconsiderate behavior that made me not want to hug him up.  I guess we did the best we could, and even though it wasn't enough to satisfy either of us, it will have to do.