like riding a bike

You know when you are riding a bike somewhere flat and you think it's going to be easy but then you realize that you never get a break?  You are just peddling and peddling. There are no highs or lows, just a baseline effort all of the time.  That is what parenting C.C. is like.  Whereas, parenting other trauma adopted children seems like it is more like mountain biking.  Going up the hill is really hard , and sometimes you have to walk, but you also get a surge of adrenaline which feels good and when you get to the top you feel good about what you did and there are good parts like going down the hill.  It feels like we are always at a baseline and never get the good stuff.  It's not bad, just fine.  But fine isn't even good.  

"The Fosters"

One thing I really like about "The Fosters" is that the parents aren't touchy feely with the foster kids which I think is realistic. That is something I struggle with, being physically affectionate with my older foster kids.  It doesn't come naturally to me and I feel like they need that physical affection but it feels awkward for me to give it.  We do a nightly hug but other than that there isn't much.  I wish it could be different.

Trying the blogging thing again.

I am going to try to blog again.  Totally for myself, with the hope that maybe I can become a part of a community.  I am hoping that by getting things out through writing maybe I won't be so angry at the children.  My anger is ridiculous.  I know these kids are traumatized by moves, by feeling like they haven't been taken care of, etc.  But Casey's (14, will be adopted next month) mild reactive attachment disorder behaviors still trigger my anger.  She sabotaged her cross country race.  She is really good but purposefully "helped" two girls who were having trouble so that she wouldn't get a good time in the race.  She knows that her doing her best is important to me so she doesn't do her best.  When she does that in school I can consequence it but I can't really consequence  her helping her teammates, even though she doesn't think about others and only did it so that she would have an excuse not to run.  In the  moment I wish I could think, "she is doing this because she is afraid of success, she is afraid of failure and she is afraid of people caring about her."  But she desperately seeks out people to care about her, teachers, guidance counselors, the school nurse.  But when we care she pushes us away????  How can you be afraid of success and failure?  I think if I believed these things more I would be more likely to remember them.