It's Everyone Else

CC's school is making me crazy.  They are treating me like the ogre foster mother instead of respecting me as her parent.  Instead of calling me when they thought she was missing after school they called her case worker.  Instead of calling me when she posted suicide thoughts on the internet (of which I was completely aware and worked through with her & her therapist) they called her caseworker.  Instead of calling me when they thought she should see a specialist for allergies they called her caseworker.  It is so disheartening to feel unappreciated by outsiders when you are doing so much for a child. 

Additionally, CC can be very sneaky when it comes to figuring out ways to get out of class and instead of seeing through this and sending her back to class with a band aid they let her sit in the nurses office, sit in the guidance office, sit in the main office.  I think that at this point in her life she needs to get a little bit more of a "suck it up and deal" attitude.  Just a little bit.  She is in a loving home, she has  two therapists.  I just need the school to teach her and not act like they are doing me a big favor by "letting" her go to school there.

I don't know why this situation is consuming all of my thoughts.  It's one thing if a kid doesn't appreciate you, they should have to, but for the adults in her life to not appreciate that she is in a caring home, when she hasn't been in the past, is discouraging. 

Old Home Week

Just ran down to our CPS office to drop off a few important things BJ left behind (a brand new inhaler & school library books) and ran into both Baby N & BJ's mom.  2 for the price of one.

I was getting off the elevator when BJ's mom was getting off & it didn't seem like she saw me/recognized me.  That's fine - I suspect she doesn't love us and may have said some stuff to BJ about us - which made our last month with him a little uncomfortable.  Then, after I dropped off BJ's items I was headed back to the elevator and saw Baby N at the end of the hallway with his parents.  I had never met his parents, but Andrea had - but I recognized them from her description.  I wasn't sure if I should say hi, but I did - I had to.  He looks so cute, his hair is growing in so curly and we was super smiley and laughing a bunch.  I am not sure if seeing him gave me closure or made me even more sad.  His parents were very nice - they kept telling me that they wished he stayed with us instead of going to the bio-dad's parents.  They do not get along - but they have their other son who is 18 months old.   But, I am so glad I got to see him.  I really do miss him and ML just said this weekend that he misses Baby N the most. I am glad I can bring home some news of him.

Then, right after I left the building, I saw BJ's mom sitting outside and I knew she saw me this time - so we chatted for about 10 minutes.  BJ is doing fine - his football team is playing in the championship game this Saturday. They are undefeated.  We are all going to go and see him play this weekend.  She thanked us for taking good care of him - she said she knows there are some scary homes out there & was glad he was with us.  She also told me that it looks like BJ's dad is going to be in jail for a lot longer than anyone thinks - he has more charges against him then what was mentioned in the newspaper article about his arrest.  Jail might be the best way for him to keep out of trouble!  Since we are going to see BJ's game this weekend, we'll be able to meet the cousins he's staying with, so that's good - partly because I am super nosy.

We couldn't ask for much more.....

I feel like everything I write is negative and I just wanted to focus on the positive with CC.  We really couldn't ask for much more from a 13 year old girl.  She does what we ask her to, she is appreciative of everything we do for her/give her, and she is polite and appropriate.  She had an allergic reaction to something the other day and my aunt inquired about how she was feeling in a facebook post.  CC replied that she was feeling better and "thank you for asking."  That seemed pretty impressive for someone who has had no parenting. 

I always wanted a girl and while I pictured dressing up a little girl and doing pigtails, CC doesn't feel like a consolation prize.  She feels like that little girl, just without the dress up and pigtails.  and I probably wouldn't have been good at that stuff anyway. 

Less stress

I feel so much less stressed at home lately.  We still have four children, and only the baby whom we loved and who didn't cause much trouble has left, but it feels like there is less angst, more contentment and I have generally more free time.  I think it must be anticipating BJ's departure also.

I am so disappointed in myself for not being able to love a nine year old who has no major personality, behavioral, or learning disorders.  He is a good kid who does everything we ask him to do, gets along great with our little boys and is kind to younger children, but something just never clicked. He never says please or thank you with genuineness.  He gets a huge attitude when someone gets something he doesn't get, even though in general he gets more "stuff" than anyone else in the house. Last night he was making his Christmas list and he said he wanted: a phone, a computer, legos, heelies.  I suggested that he might want to consider the cost of these items and narrow it down a bit or put some cheaper items on his list as well.  Meanwhile, ML said that because BJ was taking the legos with him when he left he might want some legos of his own when he was nine.  Then he added, "but only if they don't cost too much money."  ML said that he wanted garbage truck legos for Christmas and upon hearing that his two year old brother JC said he wanted those too and ML said, "Well we can share them and keep them in our room since we share a room." How is anyone going to compete with that?  Not that kids should have to compete but it is a stark contrast to greed. 

BJ is moving in with "cousins" he has never met but he can't wait to get there because he thinks it is going to be better than our house and he is going to "get more."  He probably will get more love and affection and hope that is what he will come to appreciate.  I wish I could have given it to him.  We gave him a safe, comfortable place to live and I just wish I could have given him the physical affection and love that he needed as well.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I tried but usually when I had good intentions he would frustrate me with some inconsiderate behavior that made me not want to hug him up.  I guess we did the best we could, and even though it wasn't enough to satisfy either of us, it will have to do. 

8 hours later and he is gone

Kristin got a call at 10:00 am on Friday that Baby N would be picked up at 6:00 pm that evening to go live with his grandparents.  We had never met his caseworker (who ended up being nice and had just had a busy week placing other babies) nor were we warned that his grandparents were interested in having him.
We miss him but I know that he is with his brother who is only a year older and his grandparents who fought to get him.  Somehow having a baby balances out having older kids and the disconnect that I sometimes feel with them.  It's hard not to feel connected to a baby when they fall asleep on you, look you in the eye you while you give them a bottle, and depend on you for everything. 
It was an easier weekend without him but I still want another one. 

1st to leave

Well, after almost 3 months and 3 great nights of sleep training, Baby N is leaving us tonight to live with his grandparents. They also have his older brother - older by exactly one year.

We've never actually had a child leave us to go home or to go with family, so it's unnerving to get that phone call.  It's like a great big, "remember this is temporary" smack in the face. At least they are giving us time to pack him up and spend a little time with him.  So, I am leaving work early to get him and start getting his stuff in order.  I am also trying to get a bunch of pictures ordered to put in a small photo album for his grandparents.  They didn't even know he existed until about 2 months ago. Heck, I am not sure if they've ever even seen him.  I am glad that he's so young & (probably) won't freak out with whole new situation & people.

I am wondering if I should write them about the sleep training so they don't go through what we went through. We are gonna miss that little guy.  And I am not looking forward to explaining it to ML & JC.  They LOVE him.

ML & Baby N - my little superheroes

Sleep training

Soooo, as we may have mentioned once or twice, Baby N is a notoriously bad sleeper.  As in he wakes up almost every 2 hours - and won't go back to sleep unless he gets a bottle (I guess he still thinks he's a newborn).  We've tried a pacifier & he just won't take it for more than 10 seconds.  I never thought I'd be trying to get a 6 month old to TAKE a pacifier.  But, he sucks on the bottle to soothe himself back to sleep & I want him to sleep, so we try the very special pacifier - given to us by his parents, who swear he uses it (and who want it back for sentimental reasons, if he doesn't use it).

Last night I started, "Let's-get-Baby-N-to-sleep-on-his-own Sleep Training Boot Camp."  He goes down fine, but usually with a bottle, so that's the first thing I changed.  Now one of us will take him upstairs and give him his bottle until he's almost ready to fall asleep, then put him in his crib.  Basic, right?  Maybe for most kids, but usually moving him after he falls asleep wakes him completely up and the screaming begins.  But, last night I tried something different.  I noticed in the car the other day that when I turned up the radio a bit he fell right to sleep (during a screaming bout).  Then, I remembered that his mom wrote in a note that he "likes loud music."  So, I thought - let's try that & brought up the world's last CD player & put in the only CD I could find - Adele's 21.  Who wouldn't want to fall asleep with with sweet, sweet sounds of Adele crooning in their ear?  I put him in his crib, gave him the pacifier (which was spit out in the noted 10 seconds) turned up Adele and left.  He fell asleep.

Ok. That worked.  But falling asleep at bedtime isn't the problem.  It's staying asleep.  We were just falling asleep when he woke up around 11:30.  I gave him his pacifier and rubbed his head and told him it was time to sleep then left.  He whined and cried (not his ear-drum shattering cry though) for about 5 minutes (although it felt like forever) then was quiet.  He fell back to sleep.  On his own.

Cut to 2 hours later.  He's up and crying. I do the same thing again.  He doesn't stop, I wait 5 minutes then figure that maybe I should not stop the bottle cold turkey and gave him some watered-down formula & we went right back to sleep.  Ok, not bad.

2 hours later, it's 4 am.  He's screaming.  Now, when I say screaming, I mean screaming.  Like he is slowly being eaten by a bear.  It's ridiculous.  I vowed that he will not win this battle - no bottle and I will not pick him up & bring him to my bed.  Every 5 or 6 minutes for an hour, I would go into him, give him the pacifier rub his head (he LOVES that) tell him he's ok and it's time to sleep then I go back to bed.  After an hour of that every 5 minutes he fell asleep until 6ish, which is when Andrea wakes up.

So, I will attempt to do this for a week and hope it makes a difference.  Fingers crossed it will because we are going to Mexico for 4 days for my sister's wedding next week and Andrea's mom & aunt are watching the kids - I would like at least SOME sleep improvement by then.  No deserves to go through this - especially if they are doing us a favor. (We locked them in back when we only had 3 kids - oops! sorry guys!)

My day with two sick boys - In pictures (mostly)

Dropped BJ & Baby N off at school/daycare. Then I just HAD to make the apple pie I promised to make the day before - and so the day begins....

                            Apple Pie - Cat Tree (because the boys each wanted different designs)

And start the butternut squash soup for dinner tonight

AND hard boil some eggs for dinner alter this week (avocado & egg salad sandwiches)

All while drinking the best peppermint mocha ever (dropped off by my very kind sister, L.)

Then, I spent some time with the worms & let the chickens free from their yard

Sleepyheads

Lunch for me (left-over Chinese food & a special treat)

No nap for me, but this was almost as good

I got a break from running up & down these (not pictured: the bunches of laundry I did and the 2 beds I had to re-sheet!)

Then they woke up & had some lunch (oh around 3:30/4)

And played (JC is in Baby N's "roller coaster")

Then Andrea got home with Baby N & we worked on prepping yet another meal for the week (quinoa and fake chicken burritos - they are really good) 

 

While Baby N had his bottle (he is REALLY good at holding it himself)

And BJ played with his iPod touch (which he is obsessed with)

The rest of our night was pretty boring.  CC came home & then went out with her therapist & we did dinner, homework & bed time.  It was so boring I forgot to take pictures. But, I will say, this day was waaaaaay less relaxing than my sick day with JC last week.  From now on, only 1 sick kid at a time!

A normal baby?

Why can't we just get a normal baby who sleeps?  The Baby N woke up crying every hour and a half last night.  He was wide awake babbling from 12:30 am to 2:00 am.  I get so mad at him in the middle of the night and want to say to social services, "Move him!"  I don't really want him moved but he has been having some rough days and nights.  He demands to be held all of the time (which I want to be able to do because I know he needs that kind of attention, it's just hard with the other kids, working full time and trying to get home and get dinner made).

CC has been great.  We couldn't ask for much more from her.  She is pleasant, does everything we ask of her, tries hard in school and tries to incorporate herself into the adult parts of the family.  She still doesn't interact with the younger kids much but I don't know if that is a function of her age or her personality.  Both probably.  She was great last weekend when I needed her to babysit JC at BJ's football game while I worked in the snack stand.  JC was crying and wanted me but she just picked him up and took him away like I needed her too.  She really is a good kid so far. I am fully prepared for the honeymoon to end though.  I will be disappointed but I know it is a possibility.

BJ is probably going to move in with "his mom's cousin."  He has never met these people but he is "excited because they have kids my age."  That feels a little like a slap in the face. All of a sudden he is anxious to move on and is very sullen and grumpy around the house, especially if he doesn't get his way.  It's not really how I wanted to end things and I guess it is up to me to try to turn it around as much as possible and let him know that we are going to miss him. 

Sick days

Don't get me wrong, I am NEVER happy when one of my kids are sick.  Especially if they are in pain or super uncomfortable.  But, I will admit to occasionally loving a sick day when I am not the sick one.

JC threw up twice the other night.  At a very convenient time of 2 am. All over his sheets. So, both Andrea and I were up, (me, mostly for moral support because I am not good at at dealing with throw up - although I did put the sheets in the wash - without throwing up myself) Andrea cleaning the child and the bed, and me rubbing his back. Then he did it again about an hour later, but it was much more contained that time.

So, due to that and the fact that he felt pretty warm, we knew we could not send him to my sister's house - her daughter is just getting over an illness too (and they haven't seen each other in a week, so I can't blame her!).  This means I got to stay home from work! JC refused to wear clothes yesterday - only a diaper, so I had to bundle him in a blanket and bring him with me to to drop off BJ & Baby N to their schools.  JC threw up on the blanket on the way home.  So, after a bath for JC and doing some quick work-from-home- work we were both bundled on the couch watching Thomas the Tank Engine & we both fell asleep for about 2 hours.

I cannot remember the last time I had a such a glorious nap.  JC was fine the rest of the day, he didn't eat much - just had a smoothie, and even got up to play a bit for falling asleep for a 3 hour nap.  I got to read a book, straighten up a bit, make dinner and relax.  Even if I have a scheduled day off it's never this calm and relaxing because I know those days are few and far between, so I run errands and get stuff done.

I will take a non-scheduled sick day any day of the week (again, as long as no one was harmed in the making of that sick day).

Luckily, that giant bowl was never used

Why is it always the worst possible scenario?

So the worst possible scenario is happening to us in BJ's case.  He was supposed to move to his aunt sometime before Thanksgiving with the assumption that she was basically going to adopt him and be a parent figure/resource for him for the rest of his life.  Perfect foster care outcome really because she is stable and seems to have the resources to support him.  Well she backed out.  She said that she and her husband, "agreed not to have children."

So now his goal will change to adoption.  He is not the right fit for our family and we don't want to adopt him.  I feel so guilty saying that we don't want to adopt him.  I always thought that if a child needed a home I would be able to provide that home.  Not true.  BJ is a good kid, he does pretty well in school, everyone loves him.  However, he is not a good fit for our family, there is just something missing.  He lacks empathy and he is too out for himself.  There is just something about him that irks us.  Again, I feel so guilty saying that about a child.

Although we don't want to adopt him we have committed to him until he can find a permanent home (at least I have.  I couldn't send him away to random strangers, especially after what every social worker and therapist has told me about most of the other foster homes in our area).  BUT THAT COULD BE A YEAR AND A HALF!  We feel so stuck because he creates a weird tension in our home but we also signed up for this and can't just ask him to move on.  All summer we thought, "Just hold on until Thanksgiving" and that is what kept us going but now that is lost. 

6 months

Someone just celebrated his half birthday! Happy 6 months Baby N!

Why is that cupcake on fire?

Sleep

Andrea and I are good sleepers.  Our children are not.  We know it's our fault - we know we created bad sleepers of our 2 bio kids.  But, as luck would have it (or not) Baby N is also a bad sleeper.

With ML, well, he was our first, so, in theory he was going to sleep in a bassinet next to the bed and I would get up at night to nurse him.  I swore he wouldn't sleep in our bed.  Swore.  Well, guess what, once I discovered the ease of nursing at night - basically falling back to sleep as soon as he latched on, I was hooked.  He napped in his own bed, yup, bed (well, mattress on the floor, Montessori-style), we didn't have cribs, we are hippies.  Then, especially once I went back to work, we took turns putting him to bed at night - and staying with him until he fell asleep.  I know.  I know - DANGER.  But, it was our time with him, we loved it - reading lots of stories, singing, making up stories, etc.  It was great.  But it also created a sleep issue.  Now, at 4, we still have a longish bedtime ritual, but ML no longer wakes up in the middle of the night to come to our room.  It only took 4 years!

ML snoozing the day away

And of course, we did the same thing with JC because we did not learn from the past, and thus were doomed to repeat it. JC was a demon at night.  He did not like to stay asleep - and it was so much easier to have him sleep with us and when he woke up at night we would be right there to get him back to sleep.  for the most part.  JC is now 2 and he wakes up once a night and one of us (we take turns) heads into his room and sleeps with him.  I know, again, that's bad.  And really, we could just lay with him until he falls asleep then leave,  but he is so warm and snugly it's hard to leave.  We figure that he will stop waking up by the age of 4 as well.  Just two more years! Woohoo!

He's peaceful now, but just wait...(JC)

Now for Baby N.  I guess we just hoped that if we got a baby he'd be a good sleeper because lots of babies are decent sleepers and maybe someone (God or whoever) would cut us a break.  Nope. When he first came to our house he couldn't sleep AT ALL without being held.  As Andrea says, "he needs at least 3 points of human contact at all times."  He would fall asleep in our arms and the minute we put him down he screams.  No,  not cries, we goes right from silence to screaming.  It's a treat.  Luckily, since he's been going to daycare he's gotten a bit better - he naps for an hour at a time each day in a crib and he will fall asleep in bed on his own at home.  But he will not stay asleep.  At the most he will stay asleep for 3 hours, then it's screaming.  We don't need a monitor to hear him even though he is 3 floors away from us.

Then, two nights ago, he had a cold and was really snotty and I think he slept about 3 hours total - and not in a row.  Andrea dealt with him that night and sent me into another room so that she knew she would get a full nights sleep the next night.  The hardest part for me is that I did not create this sleep monster - at least with ML & JC I couldn't get too mad because I did it to myself. But, with Baby N, oooohhhh boy, the thoughts I have about his parents when he is screaming at 4:00 in the morning are not nice.  Funny how that works.  He is feeling better now and slept ok last night, fingers crossed tonight is even better - I am tired of being tired.

Baby N - the first time he ever fell asleep on his own - it wasn't even bed time!

A red dogwood

We have a dogwood tree outside of our kitchen window that turns a bright red early in the Fall.   It's a  really big dogwood tree for a dogwood and it feels special to me because the dogwood is the Virginia state tree.  It's like a little bit of me in the yard.   It is already starting to turn red. 

Tonight when I was looking out the window at that tree, through the rain, I got the sense that,  one day, a lifetime away from now, when I am turning 72, I will look out this same window, at the same tree turning red on my birthday.  I will think about my life's work, and this will be it.  Fostering, gardening, teaching,  hopefully instilling a kind and loving spirit in others.  And it will have been enough.  It was like I was looking at my future and my past in the same moment. 

Treating ourselves

So, as everyone knows - parents need a break sometimes.  And, I am gonna say it, ESPECIALLY foster parents.  Now, while I do mean they need things like a night out or an afternoon away from kids and stress, I also mean that everyone needs a break - they need to have something, or a break from something, that makes them happy and less stressed.  For us that break is cleaning.

Ok, so we are lucky.  Our bio sons have always spent one evening a week with their bio dad.  It used to be at our house and he would come over after work, play with them, bathe them & put them to bed.  It was great, we had a whole free evening, EVERY WEEK!  And then their dad started taking classes, so those days started taking place Friday nights.  Awesome!  Then we started fostering.  Now he still takes the boys, and they spend the night at his house because he recently moved one town over from us, but we still have 3 kids to entertain.  Bye-bye night off!  That used to be our big break.

But, just last week, for the first time, we started a new break.  We had a house cleaner come in. We are going to have someone come to our house one hour a week, every week, and clean.  We don't hate cleaning & we are not terrible at it, but man, it's time consuming and trying to clean around 5 kids is VERY difficult, especially when both parents work full-time jobs.We both feel anxious and overwhelmed when the house is a mess, even if it's neat but needs dusting and vacuuming (well, that's more me than Andrea, I might be slightly OCD). And if we don't have time to clean, we get annoyed and frustrated and feel guilty about not staying up all night to clean.  Plus, it turns out these folks are WAY better at it than we are.  And now the kids HAVE to clean their rooms, put all their laundry away, get their stuff out of common areas once a week (if not more, depending on how things pile up) or else their stuff gets tossed.  It hasn't happened yet, but we are only coming up on week two. We are also forced to straighten up our bedroom, bathroom and all of our junk too.  It's a great motivator. 

As we discovered last week, there is nothing more wonderful than coming home to a sparkling house that you didn't have to spend 6 hours cleaning while not spending time with your family.  It's an awesome feeling that we carried with us all week long.  Totally worth it.

Who is this person?  Not me!!

                                       

Court Predictions

Well, was I right about anything?  Let's see:

CC - well, it turns out that she didn't even have court that day.  Why not?  Because it was actually held the WEEK before.  Right.  And no one knew or told us.  Her caseworker didn't even know about it.  How do they hold court without the caseworker?  How do they make decisions about a child and no one who actually deals with her knows about any of it?  Sigh.

Baby N - as of right now they are court ordered to look into family for him.  He has 2 older siblings that have been adopted by a non-family member and one older brother (by one year, almost exactly) who lives with his paternal grandparents.  They have custody of that child.  Now, why did they not come forward for Baby N?  Because they only found out about his existence last Friday! The bio parents don't want Baby N to go with the paternal grandparents because they do not get along.  Something about how the grandparents do not approve of the bio parents lifestyle.  Shocking.  The next court date for Baby N is in October, but that's mostly for the bio dad because he never showed up to court and doesn't  have representation yet.  Also, the parents have missed 3 visits so far - including one the day after they ran into Andrea at Walmart.

BJ - oh boy, his case is a doozy.  For real.  As of right now, both parents are in jail for very different reasons.  So, there go any visits.  Plus, the judge gave permission for him to move to his aunts house as soon as she gets approval.  Her state has been out to her house and how they have 60 days to file all paperwork and give approval.  BJ's caseworker is going to try and light a fire under them so he can be moved before Thanksgiving.  Or at least by then - over a school break, they hope.  that is good - as of now his parents are in NO shape to care for him and the best thing for him is to be with his aunt, who he loves.  He will be an only child and I think he will LOVE the state he will be moving to.

As for my predictions, I am giving myself a 75%.  Not totally wrong, but not totally right.  I think I am a 'C' student when it comes to predicting the actions of the state.

Yes!

not a "learning experience"

This is going to be random:

A lot of times when I say something to the effect of, "I can't do _____x____ because I have five kids" I feel like people are thinking, "you didn't have to keep taking kids."  I feel less legitimate than if those five kids were all biological.  That is ridiculous.  In this day and age no one "has" to have five kids.  I am as much a legitimate parent as anyone else is. 

CC keeps telling people that I am her mom (she doesn't call me mom, just introduces me as her mom) and it both melts and breaks my heart every time.  Given all that she has been through and the lack of mentoring/parenting she has had she is really an amazing kid. 

So far I feel like every foster care placement we have taken up until now has been "a learning experience"  aka - a mistake, as in, "we wouldn't do it again."  With CC I feel like we are actually helping a kid who needs us and it is a win-win situation for everyone. 

I am off to Quaker "meeting for worship" where I will probably reflect on this further in my head. 

Court

All three kids have 3 different court dates this week.  Yikes!  Here is a run-down of what I think will happen - and maybe next week I will write about how totally wrong I was.

CC: she is going to talk to the judge about her case.  As of right now court has ordered her worker to find her an adoptive home.  She has said that she does not want to be adopted but she wants to age out of the system.  I understand her feelings - she's been in some bad situations, both in foster care & her one adoptive placement - but I also think it's a hard decision to make at 13.  She still has a while to go in the system!  She said she was nervous about the judge, but I explained that he will listen to her and take her feelings into consideration (I hope!) but will end up deciding what he feels is best for her at her age.  She is not in trouble, so the judge isn't angry or upset with her (that's how she feels). I don't want to her freak if the judge decides they have to continue searching for a new adoptive home for her.  She knows we are here for her as long as she needs in this process.

BJ: I know that for this case they are trying to lower the dad's visits from 3 hours a week to 1 because he is a constant no show.  I think that will happen.  I also know that they are going to recommend that BJ is moved to his aunt's house as soon as she gets approved and not wait until the next court date.  I hope that happens for him - I think it's the best plan for him to be successful.  I think his dad will flip out at some point during the proceedings (he seems to think he's going to get him back, even though he's done NOTHING in his plan). Plus, he said he would fight the move to the aunt's house - since she is in another state - and he'll "never get to see him." Dude, you don't see him now, you never come to visits now - what's the difference? Also, how about fighting to get him back instead of fighting any progress for your son to move forward? I am not sure about his mom, she was making progress, but now there are rumors that all may not be going as smoothly as we thought.  So, all I hope for this case is that they can move forward with the aunt soon.  I think though, they may end up giving the mom more time & longer visits and stretch this out for months.  Again.

Baby N: I think for his case they are just going to give the parents their plan and set up visits.  I don't think much will happen here.  Although there is the SLIGHT chance that he will go home.

Check back next week and see if I am psychic! Or just crazy.  

You cannot make this stuff up

Last night I needed to pick up diapers at Walmart (I am not a walmart hater.  They are what they are.  I recently found out that Target has some anti-gay practice but I don't remember the specifics).   I took Baby N to free up some Kristin time and I casually mentioned to her as I was leaving, "What if I see his parents there?"  She said, "That will never happen."  So I am walking through walmart with Baby N in a hippie sling and I see a white woman and a black man pushing an empty baby stroller.  They sort of did a double take on me and then walked down the next aisle.  I immediately knew it was them. They came back and the mom said, "I don't want to freak you out but we are his parents."  I passed Baby N over to them for a few minutes, they talked to him and held him and then said, "we are in a hurry" and off they went.  I abandoned my cart and left the store because the lines were really long and I didn't want to have to wait in line and make more small talk. I mean, you really can't make up stuff like this.

A night off - well, not really

When you have 5 kids and 3 are out for the evening - it is like a night off!  Every Friday night our boys, ML & JC spend the night at their dad's house - which is awesome for all of us. So that's where they will be tonight.  CC is going roller skating with friends and will be out until we pick her up at 10pm.  Now it's only us, the baby & BJ.  BJ just got a new Kindle Fire from his dad (he actually wanted an iPod Touch, but whatever) & I just got it all set up, so we know that will keep him busy for hours -there's his activity for the night.  Now the moms can have beer, sushi and conversation time out on the deck with only 1 baby to deal with.  And as of this morning I have learned that this baby is a fan of sitting on the deck!  Yay!

Baby N watching the chickens from the deck

Teenagers!

As Andrea said below - we now have 5 kids.  CC was with us for 3 days back in June for respite - just waiting for her new (transitional) foster mother to get home from vacation.  That home would be the place she stayed in while she was (VERY quickly) transitioned into an adoptive home.  The adoptive home only lasted a month.  From what she and her case worker (actually he's an adoption specialist, but whatever) said it seemed like those folks didn't actually want to deal with a teenager.  I wonder, if the transition went slower and they got to know each other better before moving her in, would this have happened?

We got the call last Wednesday - the day we were leaving to visit Andrea's parents - a 7 hour drive away - that CC needed a place.  She really liked her stay with us - and who wouldn't - we let her stay up, go on the computer whenever, she had no responsibilities, etc.  That's because she was with us for only 3 days AND her birthday was on her first full day with us.  We found that out right before her case worker left the evening before ("Oh, by the way, her 13th birthday is tomorrow").  So, when the placement person called this time, I was like, "Oh, I don't know, we are going out of state for the next 5 days and the car is tight - we have 4 kids now, including a brand new (to us) 4 month old."  Placement person: "Oh, that's great, I am sure CC would LOVE to go with you all, it would really take her mind off her disrupted adoption."  Ummmmm, ok.  Dang these people know how to sell a kid (aka make you feel guilty).

CC with the in-law's horse

So, I called Andrea.  Now, when CC was here last, I only saw her for 3 hours of her entire 3 days with us.  I hung out with her the first night while Andrea went to a school function, the second night CC was out for her birthday & I had fallen asleep before she got home, she was asleep when I left for work the next day and then left before I got home that evening. Andrea really liked her & wanted to help her.  I understood that but I wanted to say no.  Actually, I told Andrea, I do not want to do this, I am not ready to take on a teenage girl, especially one that is going to have some issues (she has NEVER been in a good foster home & her bio family has pretty much disowned her for saying, "yes, there are drugs around and yes, I get hit, etc") - so there are issues deep inside, even if she is good at holding them in.  I felt that with 3 kids under 4 and a 9 year old, we had enough on our plate.  BUT, I also knew that Andrea HAD to help her.  She would not be able to live with herself if she didn't at least try.  So, ultimately I said, I don't want to do this, but I will.  And I think we can help her, while she is with us and she hasn't been bad.  Granted it's only been a week - so we are in full honeymoon period here - but she's helpful, helps a ton with the baby, loves out dog & cat, gets herself up and moving in the morning without a word from us, does her homework with zero issues, etc.  So far, so good.  Who knows what I will be saying a month from now though.

I do have one issue.  Facebook.  She is a typical, dramatic teenage girl on Facebook and it makes me CRAZY.  We are both friends with her to keep an eye on things, but my lord, I might have to hid her.  The drama, the (purposeful - i hope anyway) misspellings, the pictures with "deep" sayings, the cursing.   I don't know if it's even worth discussing it with her (well, so are going to discuss the cursing) but the other stuff, is it even worth it?  She is so negative on Facebook, but not really in person, so I don't get it.  I think it's all just for attention, but man, it's annoying.

Teens!

Mother of Five - Again

I keep telling myself that once we get into a school routine everything is going to be okay and this will be our new normal.  13 year old girl from a disrupted adoption, 9 year old boy with whom we have personality conflicts, the sweetest four year old you could wish for, a stubborn two year old and a 4 1/2 month old baby who doesn't sleep well.  Every one of these children will go to a different school/daycare in the morning and each will have to be picked up from a different place each afternoon.  We are trying to put practices into place that will eliminate as much conflict as possible and will make our lives a little bit easier.  Housekeeper! Instituting odd days and even days for the two big kids where on odd days one gets to sit up front but has to be the dinner assistant and one even days the other one does.  I want to pay CC (13 year old) to fold all the laundry on Sundays and JB (9 yr old) to mow the lawn. 

I am just not sure we are ready to raise a teenager long term, and that is what it is looking like right now.  I wish I could be completely selfless and say that this is what is best for her and we will make it work, and we probably will, but I know there will be a lot of doubts and anxiety along the way.  It is weird but I don't have any anxiety, guilt, or trepidation about the baby.  And I guess that is why things are the way they are. 

New placement!

We got a call on Friday for a four-month-old baby boy.  We had an hour and a half to get ready for him & I was still at work.  Luckily, we have tons of boy clothes, although most are at my sister B's house because she has a six-month-old boy and between her and my other sister, E - who has an almost one-year- old girl - we were able to get enough of everything we needed for the time being.

This poor little guy came with nothing but one shirt, one bottle and some formula. He's super cute, very smiley and is very easy to make laugh.  ML, JC and BJ love him.  They all want to hold him.  He loves to be held and will only sleep an hour at a time if he's in a bed or swing, so that's hard.  We did not get much sleep his first two nights, but last night wasn't bad.  Well, according to Andrea anyway, she is down the shore with the rest of my family while I am stuck at work.


Tomorrow is court, so hopefully, we will learn more about what's going on.  Or, not.  You know foster care!

 

Oh, and I almost forgot - the baby's intake worker was the caseworker on our very first placement and we LOVE her.  Well, she was there for the drop off of Baby N and she saw our dog, Ches.  He's a stray Andrea found a year ago and my parents ended up taking him in.  They couldn't keep him so he's been staying with us since June & we've been trying to find a new home for him, if possible.  Well, C - the intake worker fell in love with him and took him down the shore with her for a trial week and she wants to keep him.  He's a nice dog, but very hyper (he's 2, but acts like a brand new puppy) and we just don't have time these days to work with him.  We are so happy he's going to a close-by home with someone we like and we know we will get updates about him!

No Show

BJ with JC at wildlife center

BJ has been with us since January.  He came about a week after his 9th birthday.  He had been taken into care in the beginning of January, but that family went on vacation, so he went into a respite home the next week and the original family couldn't take him back for some reason (I heard a couple different stories).  He had been going to school in out town and doing well, so they called us.  We had just had a sibling group of three leave the week before so we said yes.


Everyone though it was going to be a short placement.  His dad had custody, but he (BJ) had been living with his mother when he went into care & the dad was doing all that was asked of him (they were never married).  Then.  We were good up to March, everyone thought he was going home.  Then his dad stopped coming to visits - but the judge gave him 3 hour visits once a week (instead of just one) with the idea that he would get over nights and weekends soon after.  It never happened.  He was in a program that offered "therapeutic" visits as long as he went to their program.  He went for a while, then stopped. No more therapeutic visits.


We had been so encouraged.  We signed BJ up for baseball & his dad would come to games/practices and ask to see him on weekends to practice with him.  He is a nice, charming guy - always thanking us for taking care of BJ and saying how much he appreciates everything.  He is also manipulative.  He wants to see BJ when it's good for him, no matter what the schedule the judge set for him.  He thinks he can charm/talk us into letting him see BJ whenever he wants (he once asked BJ if we could "stop by his place" on our way home from Maine - a 10 hour drive - just to say hi. Yeah right).  That stopped and now we have very little contact with him.  We even used to have BJ call him the night before a visit to remind him to confirm the visit for the next day - mainly b/c BJ wanted to see him so bad.  But, no more.  It's time for us to stop doing his work for him (I mean, we are already parenting his kid for him) and let him sink or swim on his own.


Today is the perfect example.  Since Andrea is out of town, my sister E. is watching the 3 boys - along with her own 11 month old daughter.  The original plan was for her to either take the kids to my aunt's house to go swimming for the day, or to go to our town pool.  Because BJ's dad confirmed his visit for today & he would get picked up at 1:30 for the visit, she didn't have time to do either (my aunt lives about 45 mins away).  So, BJ got picked up (a little late), went to the office & THE DAD DID NOT SHOW UP.  Seriously?!?  This is like the 3rd week in a row.  He randomly shows up to football practice (mostly because some of his family is there and I think he want to put on a show) - but not the visit he confirmed?!  My sister could have taken all the kids to the pool - all day - and had a nice, easy day.  Instead they all stayed home and basically just hung out.  I am super annoyed and want to send him an angry text message, but I won't.  I am writing here instead.   The next court date is mid-September and I think he is in for a rude awakening there.


A few months ago they started looking into BJ's maternal aunt who lives in another state.  She comes up to visit, checks up on things with his caseworker and is very interested in doing kinship care.  We love that idea for him - he would be the only child in that house and I think he needs that kind of attention from one (or two, I think she's married, but not 100% on that) person/family member.  We think he's been living from place to place - where ever  his dad could find a place to crash for a few weeks/months.  But, now his mom has stepped it up.  She came to visits pretty regularly, but hadn't really been considered for custody due to her issues.  Well, she's gone to detox, got a job & an apartment and comes to every visit & actually reschedules if she can't make a visit (that is HUGE for anyone involved in this case).  Honestly, I think the best place for BJ is with his aunt, but you have to give it to the mom for trying - and hopefully succeeding. 

Lying ?

Kristin wanted me to write a post about my new discipline technique.  BJ has been caught lying three times in the last three days.  It is all nine year old boy type lies but I find it unacceptable.  First he told us he didn't ride his bike to Wawa when we were pretty sure that he did (and later he admitted it).  Then he broke a glass and said he didn't break anything when I asked him what broke.  Finally he fed his dinner to the dog and said that he didn't.  For the first two incidences I made him write a one page, double spaced composition about why lying is wrong.  He said it was because people don't like liars.  That isn't really what I was going for, but he hates to write and I think this kind of punishment is multi-faceted in that it forces him to practice writing and spelling, makes him think about what he did instead of zoning out during one of my lectures, and takes time away from him being able to do what he wants.  For the last incident he lost his precious "watching Netflix on the iPad" time before bed.

We also have trouble with him following through with basic responsibilities like brushing his teeth and taking his inhaler.  These are probably also 9 year old boy things to forget but we don't really know because we have never had a nine year old boy.  I made up a sticker chart of about seven responsibilities and for each one that isn't accomplished each day he will lose 5 minutes of iPad time (he gets one hour of technology time each day).

On a positive note - BJ is very good at playing with the little boys and watching out for them in an appropriate big brother way.  He has taken a lot of ownership of them as brothers and calls them his brothers in public.  That might be because I call them his brothers in public and I think he is secretly desperate to feel like a part of our family.  He refers to me as "Mom" when he is talking about me.  Such as, "My Mom said I could come to your birthday party."  However, he calls me Andrea.

I am looking forward to school starting just to get him into a more regulated schedule and hopefully things between us will return to a little bit of how they were during the school year last year.  I felt much more positive about him then.  I am NOT looking foward to my own school year starting.

A cute thing about ML - I knitted him a stuffed seal but I hadn't assembled it when he went to bed last night.  He woke me up at 2:30 am to see if I had finished it and when I gave it to him he was full of compliments about how cute it was and how much he liked it.  He is such a sweet boy.

JC - This morning he kept waving to me and saying "Bye Mommy" as I was leaving.  Six months ago he would have been crying and hanging on me. 

My Yesterday

Get up at 7:00am to say good-bye to Andrea who is headed to a 4 day work conference (oh-no, single motherhood!)

Lay back down for about 30 minutes, then get up and get showered.

7:45ish -set little boys up with a short show (Strawberry Shortcake - I didn't know that was back on!) and get them dressed/fed.

8:15 - wake up BJ for a 9am dentist appointment.

8:30 - Sister L. arrives to take BJ to dentist. Relax with little boys for a bit (after doing dishes, straightening up, etc)

9:15 - get respite boys up and organized.  Find all junk in their room, strip sheets, etc.

9:45 - BJ arrives back home with my sister.

10:00 - respite boys caseworker (ARGH!) arrives & they leave.

10:15 - get laundry started, pack up last 3 boys and head out the door.

10:30 - drop boys off at other sister's (E.) house & head to work.

11:00-5:00 - Work.

5:05 - pick BJ up from visit with his mom

5:20 - arrive at sister E.'s house, get BJ into football stuff, grab little boys, head to practice.

5:50 - arrive at practice, wait until 6:15 for respite boys to show up so I can give them the rest of their uniforms.  They never show up.

6:15 - head home to make dinner.  Sisters E (along with niece) & L show up for dinner.  Surprise visit from my parents!

6:30 - sisters and mom head out the door to check out a venue for Sister E's wedding shower (she hates surprises).  I finish making dinner and dish out food for the little boys, while holding a whining niece and try and hold a conversation with my dad, who is getting annoyed that I am not answering his questions in a timely manner. 

7:00 - everyone arrives back home & we eat.

7:30 - get the boys back in the car to pick up BJ.

8:15 - get BJ some dinner, then get boys all showered, pajamaed and in bed.  Read stories to little boys and hang with them until they fall asleep (a deadly habit we've all gotten into). 

10:00 - finish dinner dishes and throw myself on the couch for 2 glorious episodes of House Hunters.  Ahhhhh.

The next morning.....

Get boys out of the house and over to E.'s house by 8am.  Realize I forgot my work bag at home, go back home to get it, arrive late to work.  Leave a delicious cannoli (given to me by E) in my car - retrieve it b/c I am NOT letting that thing sit in my car and melt. Realize - while walking down the hallway - after saying good morning to a co-worker - that my shirt popped a button, right in an obvious and not very attractive spot.  Face the fact that this is going to be another long day.  Deal with it by eating the cannoli at 9:30.    Then realize you are going to have to start running again in September whether you like it or not.

Last Respite Weekend

So we had a semi-busy weekend. We promised the 3 older boys that they could go to The Funplex (a recreation facility with some rides like bumper cars & Tilt-a-whirl, arcade, pools, splash pads, laser tag, etc) on Friday afternoon. The little boys go to their dad's house Friday evenings and spend the night & that place isn't really their scene so it was perfect. Well, perfect for everyone but the adults. We didn't feel comfortable leaving the boys there alone while we went out and ran errands and/or got dinner (you never know what could go wrong, plus we knew they wouldn't stay together, which they didn't). So we sat at a little table by the pool area armed with computers (wifi didn't work outside), phones and books. It was a long 5.5 hours and I don't think my butt has recovered. On a happy note, I did get to have fried mac & cheese bites & a quesadilla for dinner so that was fun - if only that place served beer!

Saturday everyone slept in and ML & BJ went to a birthday party for a neighborhood kid that afternoon. The 2 bigger boys went to the pool & then we had a BBQ with my mom, brother, sisters, niece, soon-to-be bro-in-law and ML & JC's dad. That was fun and the food was awesome (if I do say so myself).

Sunday was supposed to be a lazy day at the pool because (for the first time ever)we really had no obligations. Of course, it was the coolest day of the summer so far. But, we headed to the pool like champs and all of the boys had a good time. Then we got ice cream - BEFORE dinner - because we are wild like that. The big boys played basketball when we got home - which has been their obsession for the last 3 days - where was the obsession for the first 2 weeks they were here - and we ordered dinner (pizza). We folded all of the laundry in the house and packed up our two respite boys, organized all of their stuff (how do they acquire so much stuff over 2 weeks?) then settled them down for a movie.

BBQ Basketball

They left this morning and I was a bit more sad than I thought I'd be (it was a hard couple of weeks). But, I know they are fine, their foster mom really seems to like them, plus, we signed them up for football one town over from us where BJ plays, so we are hoping their foster mom lets them play and then we'll see them at least 4 evenings a week.

In other news, their caseworker is a raging meanie (I would like to say something much harsher, but I won't).  I think she is mad at us for calling her supervisor, but hey - she was doing a poor job, not us.  She came in, didn't say anything, no hellos, how are you, etc - not even to the boys.  I said, "Do you have something for me to sign?" She handed me some papers and said, "yeah." I said, "ok, where do I sign." She said, "Somewhere down there, I guess."  Oh, you don't know?  You've never done this before?  Yeesh.  I signed, got the boy's birth certificates (for football, we are signing them up and paying for it) and they headed out the door.  That was it, she never spoke another word to me.  Guess whose supervisor is getting another phone call! 

A Quick Rant

What do you do with a twelve year old respite placement who starts wetting the bed nightly, one week in?  Here’s is what I do: search through his drawers to find where he stashed his pee clothes and then quick wash the sheets and blankets and put the same ones back on so that he doesn’t know I know.  He and his brother got into a fight over something stupid and his brother said something about him “pissing the bed” and then he hauled off and punched him and that seemed to trigger it.   

I called their caseworker after this incidence of violence and she didn’t call me back.  After two voice mails and FOUR days I called her supervisor and when I finally talked to the caseworker she was clearly annoyed that I had called her supervisor.  Her response to my concern about the bed wetting was, “It isn’t a problem with his regular foster mother.” I mentioned that I had seen a bed wetting problem noted on his medical intake form and she said, “that was at a vacation placement.”  Hello, I am a vacation placement.  It might have been helpful to mention that.  Not that it would have changed anything, because I have no idea how to handle this other than my non-handling of it, but would have been considerate to mention it.  She also did nothing when the older boy got kicked out of his camp program, forcing him to stay home with me all day.   

The boys play computer games and watch weird things on TV all day.  I have to force them outside to play basketball, throw a football, ride bikes, walk the dogs.  I don’t think that I can change their value system of how they spend their free time in two weeks so I wouldn’t really care except that I don’t want my 2 and 4 year old watching TV all day so I have to force them to turn it off. We just aren’t a tv/video game family and I don’t want my little boys who can entertain themselves for hours with popsicle sticks and rocks to sit inside with the TV on all day.  This is one of the reasons why I wouldn’t do a drastically older placement again, because of the things it introduces to my little boys. 

Getting Here

I guess we have to start with the back story.  Kristin and I met through a friend a long time ago (2004 maybe –we aren’t really sure).  We eventually started spending more time together, through the friend, and moved in together in her city house in 2006.  Kristin carried our first son who was conceived through a known donor (who has become the best father any kid could ever want) and ML was born in January 2008.  We moved to our “suburban farm” (we have seven chickens, a cat, a dog, a rabbit & a garden) when ML was 7 months because I couldn’t take the city anymore.   

I gave birth to our second son, same dad, in the spring of 2010.  When JC was not quite a year we became foster parents, at my coaxing.  Our first placement was for three kids ages 2, 3 and 4. We had five children all born within two and a half years of each other.  Needless to say we were completely overwhelmed and they were moved after 3 months.  Our second placement, BJ, came one week later.  He is nine and has been with us for eight months.  He may be returning home in November.  We had one three day respite placement for a 13 year old girl, and one respite placement for brothers ages 12 and 14.   

With every placement we learn what we cannot handle; five children under five, teenage boys.  I don’t want to believe that your biological children have to be the oldest but what we have learned is that having children with such wide age ranges forces us to compartmentalize our family in a way in which we are not comfortable. So that is how we got to the place where we are now.