Trying the blogging thing again.

I am going to try to blog again.  Totally for myself, with the hope that maybe I can become a part of a community.  I am hoping that by getting things out through writing maybe I won't be so angry at the children.  My anger is ridiculous.  I know these kids are traumatized by moves, by feeling like they haven't been taken care of, etc.  But Casey's (14, will be adopted next month) mild reactive attachment disorder behaviors still trigger my anger.  She sabotaged her cross country race.  She is really good but purposefully "helped" two girls who were having trouble so that she wouldn't get a good time in the race.  She knows that her doing her best is important to me so she doesn't do her best.  When she does that in school I can consequence it but I can't really consequence  her helping her teammates, even though she doesn't think about others and only did it so that she would have an excuse not to run.  In the  moment I wish I could think, "she is doing this because she is afraid of success, she is afraid of failure and she is afraid of people caring about her."  But she desperately seeks out people to care about her, teachers, guidance counselors, the school nurse.  But when we care she pushes us away????  How can you be afraid of success and failure?  I think if I believed these things more I would be more likely to remember them.