I am thinking of beginning to blog again, mostly as a way to express frustration in a healthy way, kind of like a journal. I don't think that I will actually write in a journal but I might do this.
Currently we have WJ - 8 year old girl
LEM - her 15 month old sister
CC - preadoptive teen
MLS - 5 year old bio son of partner
JCR - 3 year old bio son of partner 2
Teen drives us crazy but compared to what most people deal with is probably a walk in the park. She is obsessed with her phone, boys and socializing on the weekends. We just want her to be content at home. Probably unrealistic.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Don't want to forget
When I gave birth to JC I didn't want to forget anything so I wrote it all down that same night. That's how I feel about CC now that we are committing to adopting her. I don't want to forget anything about that first day with her. I remember that she had a ton of little bags that we had to carry up to the third floor. I was super nervous because we had never had a child that old before, and I was worried I wouldn't know what to say to her or how to connect with her. I also felt pretty at ease with her as soon as we had our first interaction. I could just tell that she wasn't going to stand over me with a knife while I was sleeping or purposefully break something. As her caseworker was walking out the door he said, "Oh yeah, tomorrow is her 13th birthday." Even then I didn't panic. I knew we could pull it off. And it's funny because if you ask her now why she liked us she says, "because they let me go out with my friends on my birthday." We didn't throw her a party or buy her a bunch of gifts (we did get her a present but she didn't open it until she got back from her friends at 11 pm). She just wanted to be a regular kid with her friends and we let her do that. Ultimately nothing really sticks out from her first three days with us.
It was only a respite placement. They had called me about two weeks before and asked me to take CC as a long term placement until she was adopted by another family. I can't remember why I said we couldn't but I think ultimately we just didn't feel comfortable with that age group. Then they called me on her last day of school and asked for us to take her as a respite placement and we said yes. We were going on a vacation to Maine and staying in a tiny cabin and we just didn't feel like we could take along a kid who didn't even know. In retrospect we should have taken her but we just didn't know what she would be like.
So the day that I met my daughter was pretty uneventful. What I will never forget is the day that she left us. She looked so sad when she was getting in the car and I knew she didn't want to leave. I knew in my heart that she was supposed to stay with us forever and I didn't know what to do to make that happen. We became facebook friends and there was a chance she could come back but it didn't work out because we were going to be gone again in July and she couldn't come with us because she was supposed to be bonding with her adoptive family during that time. I couldn't believe when I got the call in August that she needed a home, today! We had just taken a baby and were having a hard time with the nine year old placement that we already, had but I knew we had to take her. Kristin's first questions was, "What did she do to get kicked out" and I asked it too. When the answer was "nothing" I knew that she had just gotten the short end of the stick yet again and we had to take her. I couldn't have lived with myself if we didn't. Thank goodness I went with my gut. CC was meant to be with us. It's not always easy but we got into foster care to be able to give someone like her a home. She does everything we ask her to do, she gets good grades in school, she is smart, she is willing to try new things, we connect. If we wouldn't adopt her than who would we adopt? And I figure it's only going to get better. Seventh grade is the worst year of most people's lives so if we can make this transition with a seventh grader it should only get better.
It was only a respite placement. They had called me about two weeks before and asked me to take CC as a long term placement until she was adopted by another family. I can't remember why I said we couldn't but I think ultimately we just didn't feel comfortable with that age group. Then they called me on her last day of school and asked for us to take her as a respite placement and we said yes. We were going on a vacation to Maine and staying in a tiny cabin and we just didn't feel like we could take along a kid who didn't even know. In retrospect we should have taken her but we just didn't know what she would be like.
So the day that I met my daughter was pretty uneventful. What I will never forget is the day that she left us. She looked so sad when she was getting in the car and I knew she didn't want to leave. I knew in my heart that she was supposed to stay with us forever and I didn't know what to do to make that happen. We became facebook friends and there was a chance she could come back but it didn't work out because we were going to be gone again in July and she couldn't come with us because she was supposed to be bonding with her adoptive family during that time. I couldn't believe when I got the call in August that she needed a home, today! We had just taken a baby and were having a hard time with the nine year old placement that we already, had but I knew we had to take her. Kristin's first questions was, "What did she do to get kicked out" and I asked it too. When the answer was "nothing" I knew that she had just gotten the short end of the stick yet again and we had to take her. I couldn't have lived with myself if we didn't. Thank goodness I went with my gut. CC was meant to be with us. It's not always easy but we got into foster care to be able to give someone like her a home. She does everything we ask her to do, she gets good grades in school, she is smart, she is willing to try new things, we connect. If we wouldn't adopt her than who would we adopt? And I figure it's only going to get better. Seventh grade is the worst year of most people's lives so if we can make this transition with a seventh grader it should only get better.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
It's Everyone Else
CC's school is making me crazy. They are treating me like the ogre foster mother instead of respecting me as her parent. Instead of calling me when they thought she was missing after school they called her case worker. Instead of calling me when she posted suicide thoughts on the internet (of which I was completely aware and worked through with her & her therapist) they called her caseworker. Instead of calling me when they thought she should see a specialist for allergies they called her caseworker. It is so disheartening to feel unappreciated by outsiders when you are doing so much for a child.
Additionally, CC can be very sneaky when it comes to figuring out ways to get out of class and instead of seeing through this and sending her back to class with a band aid they let her sit in the nurses office, sit in the guidance office, sit in the main office. I think that at this point in her life she needs to get a little bit more of a "suck it up and deal" attitude. Just a little bit. She is in a loving home, she has two therapists. I just need the school to teach her and not act like they are doing me a big favor by "letting" her go to school there.
I don't know why this situation is consuming all of my thoughts. It's one thing if a kid doesn't appreciate you, they should have to, but for the adults in her life to not appreciate that she is in a caring home, when she hasn't been in the past, is discouraging.
Additionally, CC can be very sneaky when it comes to figuring out ways to get out of class and instead of seeing through this and sending her back to class with a band aid they let her sit in the nurses office, sit in the guidance office, sit in the main office. I think that at this point in her life she needs to get a little bit more of a "suck it up and deal" attitude. Just a little bit. She is in a loving home, she has two therapists. I just need the school to teach her and not act like they are doing me a big favor by "letting" her go to school there.
I don't know why this situation is consuming all of my thoughts. It's one thing if a kid doesn't appreciate you, they should have to, but for the adults in her life to not appreciate that she is in a caring home, when she hasn't been in the past, is discouraging.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Old Home Week
Just ran down to our CPS office to drop off a few important things BJ left behind (a brand new inhaler & school library books) and ran into both Baby N & BJ's mom. 2 for the price of one.
I was getting off the elevator when BJ's mom was getting off & it didn't seem like she saw me/recognized me. That's fine - I suspect she doesn't love us and may have said some stuff to BJ about us - which made our last month with him a little uncomfortable. Then, after I dropped off BJ's items I was headed back to the elevator and saw Baby N at the end of the hallway with his parents. I had never met his parents, but Andrea had - but I recognized them from her description. I wasn't sure if I should say hi, but I did - I had to. He looks so cute, his hair is growing in so curly and we was super smiley and laughing a bunch. I am not sure if seeing him gave me closure or made me even more sad. His parents were very nice - they kept telling me that they wished he stayed with us instead of going to the bio-dad's parents. They do not get along - but they have their other son who is 18 months old. But, I am so glad I got to see him. I really do miss him and ML just said this weekend that he misses Baby N the most. I am glad I can bring home some news of him.
Then, right after I left the building, I saw BJ's mom sitting outside and I knew she saw me this time - so we chatted for about 10 minutes. BJ is doing fine - his football team is playing in the championship game this Saturday. They are undefeated. We are all going to go and see him play this weekend. She thanked us for taking good care of him - she said she knows there are some scary homes out there & was glad he was with us. She also told me that it looks like BJ's dad is going to be in jail for a lot longer than anyone thinks - he has more charges against him then what was mentioned in the newspaper article about his arrest. Jail might be the best way for him to keep out of trouble! Since we are going to see BJ's game this weekend, we'll be able to meet the cousins he's staying with, so that's good - partly because I am super nosy.
I was getting off the elevator when BJ's mom was getting off & it didn't seem like she saw me/recognized me. That's fine - I suspect she doesn't love us and may have said some stuff to BJ about us - which made our last month with him a little uncomfortable. Then, after I dropped off BJ's items I was headed back to the elevator and saw Baby N at the end of the hallway with his parents. I had never met his parents, but Andrea had - but I recognized them from her description. I wasn't sure if I should say hi, but I did - I had to. He looks so cute, his hair is growing in so curly and we was super smiley and laughing a bunch. I am not sure if seeing him gave me closure or made me even more sad. His parents were very nice - they kept telling me that they wished he stayed with us instead of going to the bio-dad's parents. They do not get along - but they have their other son who is 18 months old. But, I am so glad I got to see him. I really do miss him and ML just said this weekend that he misses Baby N the most. I am glad I can bring home some news of him.
Then, right after I left the building, I saw BJ's mom sitting outside and I knew she saw me this time - so we chatted for about 10 minutes. BJ is doing fine - his football team is playing in the championship game this Saturday. They are undefeated. We are all going to go and see him play this weekend. She thanked us for taking good care of him - she said she knows there are some scary homes out there & was glad he was with us. She also told me that it looks like BJ's dad is going to be in jail for a lot longer than anyone thinks - he has more charges against him then what was mentioned in the newspaper article about his arrest. Jail might be the best way for him to keep out of trouble! Since we are going to see BJ's game this weekend, we'll be able to meet the cousins he's staying with, so that's good - partly because I am super nosy.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
We couldn't ask for much more.....
I feel like everything I write is negative and I just wanted to focus on the positive with CC. We really couldn't ask for much more from a 13 year old girl. She does what we ask her to, she is appreciative of everything we do for her/give her, and she is polite and appropriate. She had an allergic reaction to something the other day and my aunt inquired about how she was feeling in a facebook post. CC replied that she was feeling better and "thank you for asking." That seemed pretty impressive for someone who has had no parenting.
I always wanted a girl and while I pictured dressing up a little girl and doing pigtails, CC doesn't feel like a consolation prize. She feels like that little girl, just without the dress up and pigtails. and I probably wouldn't have been good at that stuff anyway.
I always wanted a girl and while I pictured dressing up a little girl and doing pigtails, CC doesn't feel like a consolation prize. She feels like that little girl, just without the dress up and pigtails. and I probably wouldn't have been good at that stuff anyway.
Less stress
I feel so much less stressed at home lately. We still have four children, and only the baby whom we loved and who didn't cause much trouble has left, but it feels like there is less angst, more contentment and I have generally more free time. I think it must be anticipating BJ's departure also.
I am so disappointed in myself for not being able to love a nine year old who has no major personality, behavioral, or learning disorders. He is a good kid who does everything we ask him to do, gets along great with our little boys and is kind to younger children, but something just never clicked. He never says please or thank you with genuineness. He gets a huge attitude when someone gets something he doesn't get, even though in general he gets more "stuff" than anyone else in the house. Last night he was making his Christmas list and he said he wanted: a phone, a computer, legos, heelies. I suggested that he might want to consider the cost of these items and narrow it down a bit or put some cheaper items on his list as well. Meanwhile, ML said that because BJ was taking the legos with him when he left he might want some legos of his own when he was nine. Then he added, "but only if they don't cost too much money." ML said that he wanted garbage truck legos for Christmas and upon hearing that his two year old brother JC said he wanted those too and ML said, "Well we can share them and keep them in our room since we share a room." How is anyone going to compete with that? Not that kids should have to compete but it is a stark contrast to greed.
BJ is moving in with "cousins" he has never met but he can't wait to get there because he thinks it is going to be better than our house and he is going to "get more." He probably will get more love and affection and hope that is what he will come to appreciate. I wish I could have given it to him. We gave him a safe, comfortable place to live and I just wish I could have given him the physical affection and love that he needed as well. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I tried but usually when I had good intentions he would frustrate me with some inconsiderate behavior that made me not want to hug him up. I guess we did the best we could, and even though it wasn't enough to satisfy either of us, it will have to do.
I am so disappointed in myself for not being able to love a nine year old who has no major personality, behavioral, or learning disorders. He is a good kid who does everything we ask him to do, gets along great with our little boys and is kind to younger children, but something just never clicked. He never says please or thank you with genuineness. He gets a huge attitude when someone gets something he doesn't get, even though in general he gets more "stuff" than anyone else in the house. Last night he was making his Christmas list and he said he wanted: a phone, a computer, legos, heelies. I suggested that he might want to consider the cost of these items and narrow it down a bit or put some cheaper items on his list as well. Meanwhile, ML said that because BJ was taking the legos with him when he left he might want some legos of his own when he was nine. Then he added, "but only if they don't cost too much money." ML said that he wanted garbage truck legos for Christmas and upon hearing that his two year old brother JC said he wanted those too and ML said, "Well we can share them and keep them in our room since we share a room." How is anyone going to compete with that? Not that kids should have to compete but it is a stark contrast to greed.
BJ is moving in with "cousins" he has never met but he can't wait to get there because he thinks it is going to be better than our house and he is going to "get more." He probably will get more love and affection and hope that is what he will come to appreciate. I wish I could have given it to him. We gave him a safe, comfortable place to live and I just wish I could have given him the physical affection and love that he needed as well. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I tried but usually when I had good intentions he would frustrate me with some inconsiderate behavior that made me not want to hug him up. I guess we did the best we could, and even though it wasn't enough to satisfy either of us, it will have to do.
Monday, October 29, 2012
8 hours later and he is gone
Kristin got a call at 10:00 am on Friday that Baby N would be picked up at 6:00 pm that evening to go live with his grandparents. We had never met his caseworker (who ended up being nice and had just had a busy week placing other babies) nor were we warned that his grandparents were interested in having him.
We miss him but I know that he is with his brother who is only a year older and his grandparents who fought to get him. Somehow having a baby balances out having older kids and the disconnect that I sometimes feel with them. It's hard not to feel connected to a baby when they fall asleep on you, look you in the eye you while you give them a bottle, and depend on you for everything.
It was an easier weekend without him but I still want another one.
We miss him but I know that he is with his brother who is only a year older and his grandparents who fought to get him. Somehow having a baby balances out having older kids and the disconnect that I sometimes feel with them. It's hard not to feel connected to a baby when they fall asleep on you, look you in the eye you while you give them a bottle, and depend on you for everything.
It was an easier weekend without him but I still want another one.
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